On turning 35

I'm sitting here tonight enjoying the last moments of my 34th year. For some reason, 35 is hitting me hard. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and once you turn 35 you are considered high-risk. Of course my risks at 35 aren't all that much more substantial than they were at 33; but just being put in a new category is scary enough. Maybe it's because 35 sounds serious - like now I'm really old enough to know better. No one who's 35 is ever called a kid again. I thought at 35 I would be a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin, but I find that I'm still getting to know myself, my likes and dislikes, my patterns and quirks. Maybe what I need to do is postpone all my anxiety until I turn 40. THEN I can really freak out, right? Because 40 is SO old (just kidding, my mature readers).

It's funny - Dave asked me what I wanted to do tomorrow to celebrate, and my only thoughts are of Nick. What might he enjoy? Where can we go for dinner that he will behave and find something decent to eat? Motherhood changes everything, doesn't it? What I want to do is eat at this amazing Chinese place near our house and SLEEP. What I will do is head out with Nick and Dave for somewhere like Olive Garden. And that's okay. My days of Chinese food and sleep have, at least for the moment, passed me by.

If I sound sad or melancholy, I'm not. I just find that big birthdays make you look backward more than forward. How did I get here? Where have I been? Have I used my time on this planet wisely so far? And I can say with only minimal hesitation that I have. By the age of 35, I've finished my Ph.D. and am two years away from academic tenure, which most people don't even come close to before they are 40-50. I have one beautiful baby and another on the way. I have been married for five years. I am proud of what I've done at what is technically a "young age." I like to imagine where I might be at 70. Then I can reframe tomorrow as the halfway point, which makes me feel much younger as a matter of fact!

I'm sure one day I will look back and laugh at myself for having felt old on my 35th birthday. I will want to reach back in time and hug myself and tell myself that the best was still yet to come. So that's what I'll do tomorrow. I'll give myself a hug and remind myself that big birthdays don't have to mean a look backward; they can be a reminder to look ahead at all that remains to be done, seen, experienced, and all the love and happiness that awaits.

Speaking of love and happiness, here are two shots of my joy from earlier today taken with my birthday present.
If he isn't a sign of all the great blessings in my life, I don't know what is. Here's to gratitude and graceful aging!