Stepping back

I received so many emails in response to my last two posts - an outpouring of support and kindness I frankly didn't anticipate; I really was just needing a space to vent. For all the notes and messages, thank you! I wish I could say things were much better, but I'm holding life together with safety pins at the moment. We threw Nick a 2nd birthday party this past weekend and, really, I was in such bad physical shape I should not have been there, let alone have planned every detail and worked so hard to pull it off. But I wanted him to feel special and important during this time of transition. And I think he had a really good time.

In terms of what I'm doing to work through this period in my life more generally, I'm reflecting on what I know and teach about transition and change from my professional life. I teach leadership for a living. When we consult to groups, we talk to people about "going to the balcony", which is just an analogy for trying to get above the fray during times of stress to get more perspective on a given situation. We prepare people that this view isn't always a positive one, because while it allows you to take a more detached look at the big picture, it also forces you to take off your rose-colored glasses. In going to my own balcony during this recovery post-partum period, I've been troubled by the view; but I think it has been important for me to see it all nonetheless.

What I have found is that my family has limited resources - emotional, material, physical - to offer me and I need to work with that, not expecting as much as I have been until now. I see (despite not wanting to, and not having been willing to see in the past) that my own mother is very physically ill and my husband wants desperately out of our marriage. He has told me twice since Zoe was born that he is "done with me". I don't know if this means divorce is imminent, but I am preparing myself for a future in which we are not together. No new mom wants to have to face such a reality, but I know I will be okay whatever happens. There will be peace in no longer trying to make someone happy who simply does not want to be with me.

I am trying very hard to stay focused on what I have that is good - a beautiful and healthy daughter and a son who just adores me. I know they will both love me forever and that their love will get me through these difficult times. I have been able to find and hire a new part-time nanny who starts for a few hours next week and will gradually be more available in the coming month. She will help me too. I have friends who really care about me and have expressed that concern in word and deed since my last post here.

While I work through the good and bad in my life I am putting this blog on hold. But if you're reading this please know that I appreciate the support and good thoughts you've sent my way. Thank you!

post-script

I love the hospital where I delivered - I called them today and they are putting me in touch with their social care/work program and the head nurse says they might have a service available for me where someone can come and help me at home. I qualify because c-sections are considered "major surgery." We'll see where this leads!

Had a feeling this would happen

So I'm home from the hospital recovering from a very unwanted c-section. My husband took 5 days paternity leave during which time he was mostly on his computer/telephone trying to stay "connected" at work. My mom and dad watched Nick while we were in the hospital. My dad got sick, and now my mom is at home alone with me and Nick. I'm having post-partum depression, I'm sure - crying a lot, feeling anxious. My doctor prescribed Zanax but I don't want to take it while nursing even though she reassured me the baby would be fine. My husband keeps telling me how behind he is at work, how my mom isn't being nice enough to him; my mom keeps telling me how not nice to her David is, how much she wants to go home. There's so much negativity here, it's palpable. I feel bad for the kids, both of whom have upset stomachs. I am sure they sense the discomfort.

Before I left the hospital I broke down to one of the night nurses and said, "please let me stay a few more days. I know once I go home my husband will be no help, my mom will be exhausted and snappy, and my nanny just got a full-time job, I have no energy to find someone else right now, and all I want to do is get better." She said, "oh honey, most people ask me when they can go home - very few ask me to help them find a way to stay." I knew this all would happen this way. It sucks to be right.

I guess everyone is doing the best they can, but I am hurting so badly. In a way I want to send mom home and let David work and just figure out how to do this by myself. But I'm only a week into recovery and not strong enough yet to pick Nick up, dress him, or change his diaper by myself. I am already bleeding worse from trying to do too much; I'm trying to see what it would be like on my own. As much as I want to swing it, I just can't yet.

Any advice is welcome. Do I send mom home? I don't want her to be so upset. In the long run, my relationship with her is more important to me than my physical recovery. Maybe there's a middle road where she can go home and I can just do as little as possible - for example, only change Nick when he is laying down and cooperating, not try to fight him or wrangle with him to change his clothes, or feed him sitting on the floor instead of trying to lift him into the highchair. And if I need to go somewhere, I can call a friend and move the carseats into their car, or have them drive my car.

What to do?

Zoe's first photo shoot

Today was the day. I had the tutu ready weeks before she arrived. It sat in its little pink box just waiting for Zoe to arrive. Once we got home, I was waiting for the right light and the right mood, and when she was ready on went that little piece of blingy tulle heaven and the photo shoot began.

I loved the results. Taking pictures of her is every bit the joy I imagined it would be.

I'm the "lil sis"

How cute is this onesie? Gotta love etsy.com. Nick has the matching big bro shirt, but I have yet to take photos of him in that ... too much going on around here :0)

All dressed with somewhere to go: Home!

Our two favorite pics from today in her super-fancy dress (guess who bought that? I'll give you a clue, she's a grandma ...). Now we'll see how this first night at home goes. So far she's a dream baby. More to come.

Welcome, Zoe Rose!

She's here, she's healthy, she's beautiful. The bad news: I ended up having an emergency c-section because she was sticking her hand out of my cervix and during contractions she could have ended up with a broken hand or worse, paralysis, had they let me continue to labor. The good news: She's fine. I'm in a lot of pain but am recovering and of course, was happy to go through whatever I needed to do physically to ensure her safety and well being.

More to come once we are home and settled. XOX

Stick a fork in her ...

'cause she's done. And so am I. I look done, I feel done. I'm 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced, having contractions every 8-10 mins. I'm hoping for a Sunday the 15th baby. But I have an induction appt on Tues. at 5 a.m. if all else fails. I have loved being pregnant with you Zoe. Now I'm ready to hold you in my arms. Let's go!

Oh and p.s. that blue shirt is the only thing I own that fits me now. I refuse to buy any more maternity clothes. So I wash it every day. Done, done, done!

Here's another photo from today of a certain little man I love. Have a good rest of your weekend!

Six on Sunday

1. First and foremost, I have decided to reschedule (push back) Zoe's induction until Tues., March 17th. I'm not dilated yet and there are too many studies documenting the correlation between undilated induction and increased risk of c-section. I'm a researcher by trade, and our mantra is "data don't lie" so I am going to give Zoe another week to get things moving on her own.
2. I have chosen 3/17 because of numerology. It's a "master number" day - one of only two in the month - and, well, if I get to pick her birthday I might as well select the date that gives her (in new age terms at least) the best chance at an easy life. Right?
3. Today was funny. I was getting in the car to go run errands with Nick and Dave and I stopped to put on chapstick. Dave happened to have the camera right there. He said something like, "why bother?" as a joke (like you're so big, no one will notice whether you have lipstick on or not) and I laughed so hard. He snapped a pic of the moment. You can see I was genuinely cracking up at myself.
4. Then this evening the camera was in the right place again when Nick was wanting to touch and hug my big belly. We took quite a few shots of him with Zoe, but I liked this one best for some reason. 5. I still think Zoe will end up arriving this week - toward the end of the week, actually - but at least I know I have no more than 7 full days to go before she arrives.
6. Which means I can still knock a few things off my To Do List (order Nick's birthday cake, get him new shoes, submit my article for publication, oh and rest) before she arrives. I ordered him the cutest "big bro" shirt from Etsy to wear to the hospital for his first visit after she's born, and got her a matching "lil sis" onesie too! They arrived on Saturday and are washed and ready to go.

Tick, tock, watching the clock. It's sure to be an exciting week around here (if a difficult one - I am in major pain, could hardly walk through Costco this morning). Please send prayers and good thoughts for a healthy and swift delivery.

Wed. March 11, 2009 ...

is induction day! If Zoe is not here yet, I will head to the hospital for my 7:30 a.m. date with a Pitocin IV. I like the date, actually, and it turns out numerologically to give her a 7 Life Path Number - the same as Nick's - which is actually the number of the peacemaker and truthseeker. They are deeply spiritual people (I see that in Nick already). So I'm hanging in there, knowing that one way or another next time this week my daughter will be in my arms. Wish us well! Photos and birth story details to come.

Monday Moment: "He won't remember this time"

Yesterday was my best friend's son's 2nd birthday and while at her house celebrating, I had a conversation with another woman who just gave birth to her second child; her kids are the same ages apart as Nick and Zoe will be. She was telling me how she's managing, and as the conversation evolved she mentioned that her older daughter won't remember a time without her younger daughter. She was just too young when the littler one was born. She looked at Nick, then looked at me and said, "He won't remember this time, either."

I haven't been able to get her words out of my mind since. "This time" has been the most important two years of my life, every moment lived for and with this little man. And to think that his memories of his life won't include a second of it - that he won't remember our pre-Zoe afternoon naps and cuddles, the way we shared our breakfast every morning or how we watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the mornings, him on my lap holding my ear. He won't remember how we went everywhere together, just him and me. How I would hold him while I cooked dinner and walk him through the steps. He won't remember how it feels to be #1, the one and only; he'll only recall being one of two now. And I cried, and cried, and cried last night. It seems unfair that Nick won't remember this time except for what I capture for him on film, video, and in my writings to him.

So I am spending these last few days taking more photos, more video, writing more down. I want him to know in a lot of detail what our life was like before Zoe, so he knows how loved he has been and how much I've invested - how much everyone who loves him has invested - in making him feel as special and important as possible. All of that will continue of course. But for some reason I feel the need to make sure he knows that once, for a time, it was just him and me. And I loved it that way. His sister is a gift to him, hopefully a friend and ally for life, but before she came was a memorable time. For sure, these have been the most magical years of my life - not the easiest, but the most rewarding.

I'm off now to nap with him for one of the last times as just his mama, alone.