Fighting back the blues

For the past few weeks I've had to battle the blues, a sense of broad discouragement about different facets and aspects of my life that seem both temporary and permanent. I know some of this "depression" may be pregnancy-induced, so I am trying to distinguish hormonal fluctuation from actual sadness. I know I have much to be grateful for in my life, and most days I am able to focus just on those good things. But at work I am feeling like the harder I try the less I am able to please people, who seem only ever to see what I can't do, can't produce. I've had a few students disappoint me this semester in different ways, and I'm reminded of a colleague's advice when I was in graduate school, that I need to pull back and not care so much. It's just that I pride myself on how much I care. I invest time and energy and love and while in many cases that's what I reap, it's clear that many people see me only as a means to an end, and invariably want more from me than I can offer, not acknowledging that this is the childbearing season in my life and my son and now my daughter don't ask to be in first place - they demand it, they deserve it.

At home I have a husband who is a good man but who was raised by completely unemotional and dysfunctional parents, and so, when stressed, he reverts to his early model of little sympathy and less tenderness at a time when that's what I need most. He offers so much, but not a shoulder to cry on alas when days are long and my heart is heavy. I look and hope he'll have better capacity for tenderness with his little girl. She will need her father to be a model of the man she'll look for herself one day.

I need to turn my face to the sun and count my blessings, and I will. I do. But some days the sun seems hidden behind the clouds. Today is one of those days.