Proud of me

Every day I struggle with the fact that I'm a working mom. How can I possibly give my best to so many people, I think. Someone is going to be disappointed, invariably, and to be honest I just don't want it to be my kids who suffer.

But then on days like this - Commencement 2009 - I feel proud of myself, my role, my accomplishments, and I hope that one day when Zoe sees this picture she will be proud of me. Proud of the fact that her mom has a PhD and is a professor and spent that afternoon presenting doctoral students with their hoods, conferring their PhD degrees.

 

Building my portfolio

So I got a new lens, I've been studying photography under a professional wedding photographer, and if I do say so myself (ahem!) I'm getting pretty good! Like almost good enough to start charging people for my services! Here are a few of my recent favorite shots. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Firefighter

Not sure anyone reads this poor little blog anymore - I probably depressed everyone away! But in case someone out there is still checking in, I wanted to share a photo of this beauty, a new rose in my garden called "Firefighter". One rose makes the entire house smell like heaven, what they describe as an "old rose scent." If you live near an Armstrong Garden Center and have a sunny patch that deserves a new beauty, I highly recommend this lovely rose. I chose this one just for my Zoe Rose.

 

Happy 2nd month, Zoe!

Guess who's 2 months old, weighs 11 1/2 pounds (up from 8 pounds at birth), and is the light of mom's life? Ms. Zoe Rose!

Etsy finds

I love etsy.com. I am glad that in this economy I can buy handmade items and support artists and moms and grandmas rather than big-box stores.

These are some of my favorite recent finds. Check out these two hats - can't wait to see how they look on Zoe! Can you say photo opp?

And these bows that another lady made just to match the Janie and Jack dress my sister bought for Zoe when she was born. The dress almost fits her now, and the bows are the exact shade of light aqua. I can't wait for that photo opp, either.

Photo of the Day

I love it when their eyes cross. Nick's crossed until he was 3 months old and cracked me up every time. (Might I add, as a post-script, how glad I am that both my kids have sparkling blue eyes and long eyelashes and didn't inherit my pukey brown eyes and short eyelashes?)

What are you doing in there?

He never fails to amuse me.

Three on Thursday

1. Zoe's birth announcements are finally in the mail. Thanks to Susie and Sandrine who made them possible. I am so pleased with how they turned out!
2. Both kids were sick last week but appear to be on the mend. In time for Mother's Day! How's that for a gift?
3. Zoe slept for 6 hours at night TWICE this week. And she's only 7 weeks old! Of course she only slept 2 hours in a row last night. I'm not taking this as a pattern or indication of future behavior just yet ...

Have a great Mother's Day weekend!

Starfish

I have always loved starfish. They symbolize for me a certain strength and resilience, but also peace and tranquility. If you cut off one of their legs, it grows back. But they are not aggressors. They don't seek conflict but if it comes to them, they persist and overcome even the harshest physical challenge.

I have had to be a starfish in my life. I have faced many challenges in my 35 years and had to find ways to overcome, persist, and survive. I really feel like the past few months wounded me physically and emotionally, but my legs are regrowing. I have seen glimmers of hope, glimpses of a life better lived. I have smiled every day. I have stopped crying. I have prayed for wisdom and courage. And for peace. And for the ability to do with grace what needs to be done in my life. Like a starfish.

I wouldn't say I am without fear, but I would say I feel better able to face the fears I have.

This week Dave was diagnosed with parasomnia, which is a sleep disorder where you act out your nightmares. Scientists really don't know what causes the base problem; but in essence if you have this, when you're in REM sleep you don't have the normal paralysis that keeps you from sleepwalking and sleeptalking. So if you dream that you're being attacked, you actually attack back. It can be very dangerous to those who sleep in the bed with the afflicted person. He had an attack of this two weeks ago and scared me (and Nick) half to death. He's having an MRI and EEG next week to make sure there aren't other neurological problems underlying this one (there tend to be, apparently) and then he'll have to be on medication. Or sleep in another room. Life just keeps on getting more ... interesting around here.

I'll continue updates every so often and thank you for checking in on me!

On why this photo is deceiving

This is not the most peaceful baby in the world; but you wouldn't know it from the picture I uploaded here, taken this morning in her royal onesie (LOVE etsy.com). I had colic from birth to 9 months, and my mom said she always wished that I'd have a colicky daughter so I'd know what it was like. Well, THANKS MOM. Here she is. Fussina Fusserman, as I call her (I called her that at the doctor's office yesterday, cracked the nurse up). She's rarely pleased, rarely peaceful. She does sleep in 4 hour stretches at night thank goodness. But during the day, it's pretty much a fuss-fest at our house. And when she cries, Nick does a "fake" sympathy cry (which is actually pretty funny, though after about an hour of them both going at it, I'm done). Anyway, I think it's funny - all of us new moms work hard to capture the photos of the good times, the happy moments. The reality of motherhood is this (and not just for me in my post-partum depression-y haze): Your hair is dirty, you have no makeup on, your clothes smell like stale breastmilk or formula, you have not slept in god knows how long, and you'd secretly (or not-so-secretly) like to run away. Far away. But you don't, because you love these munchkins. And there are, after all, moments like these, deceptive as they may be.
p.s. Once again I look at this photo and it's like looking back at Nick two years ago. These two just look so alike to me!

Nick-speak

Nick is talking up a storm these days! And his little Nick-speak is adorable. Here are some of his words and phrases, decoded.

1. "Ooh ba doo" means "Open the door"
2. "Dung-go" means "bicycle"
3. "Sheesh" can mean cheese or shoes, depending on the context. Sometimes you only know by where he leads you when he takes you by the hand - to the back door, or to the refrigerator.
4. "Ah da mama" means "Wait for mama" which is what he learned when he had to go up and down the stairs with me super slowly after my c-section.
5. "Burts" means balloons and berries. Or anything round and mostly red.
6. "A-jeech" means blanket.
7. "Deetz" means fix, like as in "Dada deetz choo choo" for "Dada fix my train that I tore apart AGAIN for the fifth time today."
8. "Ni ni" is "goodnight."
9. "Goo-ma" is "Grandma" (and "Boo-ma" is "Booma" or pacifier - these two are close so again, context is key).

There are so many more, I'll try to add them when time allows.

Seeing a resemblance

Check out Nick at one month old:

Kinda looks like his sis here, doesn't he?

Happy 1st month, Zoe!

My favorite photos from this week:

Where you find it

I am working hard to find happiness and be in the moment, for my kids. They deserve a happy mommy, and the bottom line is that my happiness rests in my hands. Evidence of my efforts can be found here, in this shot of my little month-old girl who has a terrible case of baby acne but is still beautiful nonetheless ...
And in my little two year-old man who had his first easter egg hunt courtesy of Grammie and Grandpa last week, practice for his first 'real' egg hunt tomorrow at Auntie K's Easter Bash ...


So that I don't look back in 20 years and think, wow, I shouldn't have reveled in what was wrong - I should have basked in what was right - I am working to savor these moments that can't ever be relived. As I realized while watching Nick hunt for eggs, happiness is where you find it. Sometimes it's as simple as that.

Stepping back

I received so many emails in response to my last two posts - an outpouring of support and kindness I frankly didn't anticipate; I really was just needing a space to vent. For all the notes and messages, thank you! I wish I could say things were much better, but I'm holding life together with safety pins at the moment. We threw Nick a 2nd birthday party this past weekend and, really, I was in such bad physical shape I should not have been there, let alone have planned every detail and worked so hard to pull it off. But I wanted him to feel special and important during this time of transition. And I think he had a really good time.

In terms of what I'm doing to work through this period in my life more generally, I'm reflecting on what I know and teach about transition and change from my professional life. I teach leadership for a living. When we consult to groups, we talk to people about "going to the balcony", which is just an analogy for trying to get above the fray during times of stress to get more perspective on a given situation. We prepare people that this view isn't always a positive one, because while it allows you to take a more detached look at the big picture, it also forces you to take off your rose-colored glasses. In going to my own balcony during this recovery post-partum period, I've been troubled by the view; but I think it has been important for me to see it all nonetheless.

What I have found is that my family has limited resources - emotional, material, physical - to offer me and I need to work with that, not expecting as much as I have been until now. I see (despite not wanting to, and not having been willing to see in the past) that my own mother is very physically ill and my husband wants desperately out of our marriage. He has told me twice since Zoe was born that he is "done with me". I don't know if this means divorce is imminent, but I am preparing myself for a future in which we are not together. No new mom wants to have to face such a reality, but I know I will be okay whatever happens. There will be peace in no longer trying to make someone happy who simply does not want to be with me.

I am trying very hard to stay focused on what I have that is good - a beautiful and healthy daughter and a son who just adores me. I know they will both love me forever and that their love will get me through these difficult times. I have been able to find and hire a new part-time nanny who starts for a few hours next week and will gradually be more available in the coming month. She will help me too. I have friends who really care about me and have expressed that concern in word and deed since my last post here.

While I work through the good and bad in my life I am putting this blog on hold. But if you're reading this please know that I appreciate the support and good thoughts you've sent my way. Thank you!

post-script

I love the hospital where I delivered - I called them today and they are putting me in touch with their social care/work program and the head nurse says they might have a service available for me where someone can come and help me at home. I qualify because c-sections are considered "major surgery." We'll see where this leads!

Had a feeling this would happen

So I'm home from the hospital recovering from a very unwanted c-section. My husband took 5 days paternity leave during which time he was mostly on his computer/telephone trying to stay "connected" at work. My mom and dad watched Nick while we were in the hospital. My dad got sick, and now my mom is at home alone with me and Nick. I'm having post-partum depression, I'm sure - crying a lot, feeling anxious. My doctor prescribed Zanax but I don't want to take it while nursing even though she reassured me the baby would be fine. My husband keeps telling me how behind he is at work, how my mom isn't being nice enough to him; my mom keeps telling me how not nice to her David is, how much she wants to go home. There's so much negativity here, it's palpable. I feel bad for the kids, both of whom have upset stomachs. I am sure they sense the discomfort.

Before I left the hospital I broke down to one of the night nurses and said, "please let me stay a few more days. I know once I go home my husband will be no help, my mom will be exhausted and snappy, and my nanny just got a full-time job, I have no energy to find someone else right now, and all I want to do is get better." She said, "oh honey, most people ask me when they can go home - very few ask me to help them find a way to stay." I knew this all would happen this way. It sucks to be right.

I guess everyone is doing the best they can, but I am hurting so badly. In a way I want to send mom home and let David work and just figure out how to do this by myself. But I'm only a week into recovery and not strong enough yet to pick Nick up, dress him, or change his diaper by myself. I am already bleeding worse from trying to do too much; I'm trying to see what it would be like on my own. As much as I want to swing it, I just can't yet.

Any advice is welcome. Do I send mom home? I don't want her to be so upset. In the long run, my relationship with her is more important to me than my physical recovery. Maybe there's a middle road where she can go home and I can just do as little as possible - for example, only change Nick when he is laying down and cooperating, not try to fight him or wrangle with him to change his clothes, or feed him sitting on the floor instead of trying to lift him into the highchair. And if I need to go somewhere, I can call a friend and move the carseats into their car, or have them drive my car.

What to do?

Zoe's first photo shoot

Today was the day. I had the tutu ready weeks before she arrived. It sat in its little pink box just waiting for Zoe to arrive. Once we got home, I was waiting for the right light and the right mood, and when she was ready on went that little piece of blingy tulle heaven and the photo shoot began.

I loved the results. Taking pictures of her is every bit the joy I imagined it would be.

I'm the "lil sis"

How cute is this onesie? Gotta love etsy.com. Nick has the matching big bro shirt, but I have yet to take photos of him in that ... too much going on around here :0)

All dressed with somewhere to go: Home!

Our two favorite pics from today in her super-fancy dress (guess who bought that? I'll give you a clue, she's a grandma ...). Now we'll see how this first night at home goes. So far she's a dream baby. More to come.