Stepping back

I received so many emails in response to my last two posts - an outpouring of support and kindness I frankly didn't anticipate; I really was just needing a space to vent. For all the notes and messages, thank you! I wish I could say things were much better, but I'm holding life together with safety pins at the moment. We threw Nick a 2nd birthday party this past weekend and, really, I was in such bad physical shape I should not have been there, let alone have planned every detail and worked so hard to pull it off. But I wanted him to feel special and important during this time of transition. And I think he had a really good time.

In terms of what I'm doing to work through this period in my life more generally, I'm reflecting on what I know and teach about transition and change from my professional life. I teach leadership for a living. When we consult to groups, we talk to people about "going to the balcony", which is just an analogy for trying to get above the fray during times of stress to get more perspective on a given situation. We prepare people that this view isn't always a positive one, because while it allows you to take a more detached look at the big picture, it also forces you to take off your rose-colored glasses. In going to my own balcony during this recovery post-partum period, I've been troubled by the view; but I think it has been important for me to see it all nonetheless.

What I have found is that my family has limited resources - emotional, material, physical - to offer me and I need to work with that, not expecting as much as I have been until now. I see (despite not wanting to, and not having been willing to see in the past) that my own mother is very physically ill and my husband wants desperately out of our marriage. He has told me twice since Zoe was born that he is "done with me". I don't know if this means divorce is imminent, but I am preparing myself for a future in which we are not together. No new mom wants to have to face such a reality, but I know I will be okay whatever happens. There will be peace in no longer trying to make someone happy who simply does not want to be with me.

I am trying very hard to stay focused on what I have that is good - a beautiful and healthy daughter and a son who just adores me. I know they will both love me forever and that their love will get me through these difficult times. I have been able to find and hire a new part-time nanny who starts for a few hours next week and will gradually be more available in the coming month. She will help me too. I have friends who really care about me and have expressed that concern in word and deed since my last post here.

While I work through the good and bad in my life I am putting this blog on hold. But if you're reading this please know that I appreciate the support and good thoughts you've sent my way. Thank you!