Nick's 1st haircut!

Today Nick had his first haircut at Chloe's Carousel, a very cute and kid-oriented salon here in Rancho Bernardo. At first he was so excited because all he saw was the playroom and toys. He scoped the place out and headed right for ... the pink, heart-shaped magic wand. Not sure why, but he picked the most girly toy in the place to hang on to, and he held it until we left. When his stylist came and called him over, at first he was okay with it/her. She popped in a Baby Einstein video and he was totally relaxed. Then she went to cape him (in a leopard-print cape, no less) and he was like, um, no. The tears started coming. He calmed down once I held him in my lap and helped him focus on Baby Einstein. The haircut itself went uneventfully well, though it was a little uneven (he never stopped moving). All in all, we emerged unscathed. Nick even got a certificate of achievement! I am a proud mom, if just a little sad. I had them box up his little curls and I know I'll keep them forever. One day he'll have dark hair like his father and I do and he'll never believe he was actually blond. And I will always look at this little curls and think of my tiny man, whose personality is as soft and sweet as those baby locks in the box.

Enjoy these fun images of his first salon experience!

On turning 35

I'm sitting here tonight enjoying the last moments of my 34th year. For some reason, 35 is hitting me hard. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and once you turn 35 you are considered high-risk. Of course my risks at 35 aren't all that much more substantial than they were at 33; but just being put in a new category is scary enough. Maybe it's because 35 sounds serious - like now I'm really old enough to know better. No one who's 35 is ever called a kid again. I thought at 35 I would be a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin, but I find that I'm still getting to know myself, my likes and dislikes, my patterns and quirks. Maybe what I need to do is postpone all my anxiety until I turn 40. THEN I can really freak out, right? Because 40 is SO old (just kidding, my mature readers).

It's funny - Dave asked me what I wanted to do tomorrow to celebrate, and my only thoughts are of Nick. What might he enjoy? Where can we go for dinner that he will behave and find something decent to eat? Motherhood changes everything, doesn't it? What I want to do is eat at this amazing Chinese place near our house and SLEEP. What I will do is head out with Nick and Dave for somewhere like Olive Garden. And that's okay. My days of Chinese food and sleep have, at least for the moment, passed me by.

If I sound sad or melancholy, I'm not. I just find that big birthdays make you look backward more than forward. How did I get here? Where have I been? Have I used my time on this planet wisely so far? And I can say with only minimal hesitation that I have. By the age of 35, I've finished my Ph.D. and am two years away from academic tenure, which most people don't even come close to before they are 40-50. I have one beautiful baby and another on the way. I have been married for five years. I am proud of what I've done at what is technically a "young age." I like to imagine where I might be at 70. Then I can reframe tomorrow as the halfway point, which makes me feel much younger as a matter of fact!

I'm sure one day I will look back and laugh at myself for having felt old on my 35th birthday. I will want to reach back in time and hug myself and tell myself that the best was still yet to come. So that's what I'll do tomorrow. I'll give myself a hug and remind myself that big birthdays don't have to mean a look backward; they can be a reminder to look ahead at all that remains to be done, seen, experienced, and all the love and happiness that awaits.

Speaking of love and happiness, here are two shots of my joy from earlier today taken with my birthday present.
If he isn't a sign of all the great blessings in my life, I don't know what is. Here's to gratitude and graceful aging!

"Buck up, Beautiful"

That's what Dave said to me this morning after I puked and wouldn't stop complaining. He came over, gave me a hug, and said those words. Half nice, half really insensitive - or am I just crazy hormonal?

First image

Here is Baby #2, at 6mm long! I am officially 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant, going by the measurements. I thought I was 7 weeks today so I'm a little bit behind (which explains the trouble my doctor had finding this little cutie when she did an ultrasound two weeks ago ...). If you look between the white Xs (you have to click on the image to enlarge it, and then you can see what I'm talking about - you can even make out the head and arms!) you can see the chest cavity, where his/her heart is already beating very strongly. We watched it for a few minutes on the screen and it took my breath away. Here is the little person who's going to complete our family this spring, I thought. Here is the person who will keep Nick company all his life - who will celebrate lifes ups and downs with him, as my siblings have with me.

I'm due March 23, 2009 - 8 days before Nick's 2nd birthday. But it's possible I will deliver this one early since Nick came early, 4 weeks early to be precise.

Now if only I didn't feel like I wanted to throw up every 5 minutes, I could actually relax a bit and enjoy the ride!

Closing in on week 7

Hard to believe, isn't it, that I'm almost 7 weeks along now? I will have a clearer idea of my actual due date this Thursday when I see Dr. Chang. I found this image online of "fetal models" that allow you to see a realistic (and relative) version of a fetus at different stages of development. It's amazing to see how quickly the blob of cells starts to look like a baby - even before a woman "shows" or has serious symptoms.Speaking of serious symptoms, let me add that my morning sickness has officially kicked in as of this weekend. I am so nauseous, all the time. Eating helps temporarily, but then makes me feel even more sick afterward - just like I felt with Nick. In fact, it's the exact same nausea I had with him at the same time. Let's hope it only lasts until weeks 12-14 like it did with him. I can bear anything for a few weeks!

Deja-vu

How does the saying go? Tell God your plans and he'll show you his? Well, my plan was to maybe have another child one day once I had published more, gotten closer to tenure, figured out some daycare for Nick, lost 10 more pounds, saved more money, and the list of conditions went on. We weren't sure we were going to expand our family; those were just some of the things I wanted to have in place before we entered into what I like to call procreative negotiation.

Some decisions are made for us. Maybe because we won't make them ourselves. Maybe because the universe knows better than we do what we need. I am blessed to be able to have another child while I'm still young-ish, and because I believe that children choose us and not the other way around, I know this child's arrival in my life is nothing short of a miracle. It's easy for me to think myself into oblivion - how will I take care of a two year-old and a newborn, among other questions I can't answer right now - but I have firm faith that everything I need will be provided. My life has always worked this way: I don't always get what I want, but I never fail to find what I need.

And so it begins for me, again, this primitive journey of pregnancy that seems magical, even though women do it every day, a million times over. Since I know for sure this time will be my last, I intend to enjoy every moment of it.

Five years

Yesterday Dave and I celebrated five years of marriage by spending the day with Nick and having dinner with our friends Michele and Paul and their son Mattias. Hard to believe five years have passed since we exchanged vows on that clifftop overlooking Kapalua Bay. Here's to all we have created together.

"Christmas" morning in July

Most of our new patio furniture arrived this weekend; we are missing two cushions, some throw pillows and a coffee table. But I know a few of you are eager to see it in all its apple green glory, so here are some pics in progress. The rest of our order should be here on Monday. It will eventually look like an L-shaped sectional. It fits into the space so nicely, and it's such an unsafe color for me (GREEN???), the woman who always buys things in beige, or white, or cream, or taupe. It's a bold departure, and I am so glad we went for it. Just looking at those cushions makes me happy and conjures images of summer and fruit and parties and good times.

The process of getting it feels like a grown-up Christmas (and by that, I mean a Christmas where you buy your own gift, have to make your husband put it together, but still get excited because it's new and you didn't get it from Craiglist).

Uncle Jeff BFF

Nick's a fickle pickle; he doesn't spread his affection easily. But when he loves you, he's attached for good. Such is the case with Uncle Jeff, Nick's BFF and play buddy, whom Nick adores. Here's a set of the pics from their last playdate this week, when we went to Starridge Park together.

I happen to think they are a lot alike. Both are musically inclined, sensitive, and very funny. They both have blue eyes and killer smiles. And both are wickedly smart. How lucky for Nick to take so many great qualities after his Uncle.

Love you, Uncle J!

PB Fixation

Who doesn't love Pottery Barn? I've yet to meet a girl whose heart doesn't just skip a beat when she walks through those doors and enters the PB world where everything is crisp and clean and organized and yet pretty and elegant. Just makes me happy. So imagine my joy when Dave and I placed our order this evening for our dream outdoor furniture set! Here's the pic from the website. It's this exact sectional, but in "green apple" rather than white, but with the same throw cushions.And in a few weeks when it arrives, that's where you'll find me during Nick's lazy afternoon naps, drink in hand.

Compare and contrast

I'm pretty sure I was about Nick's current age in the first photo, and 7 years old in the second. My mom swears I look just like Nick in these pictures, so I'll put a photo or two of him alongside them. What do you think? My opinion is that he got my nose, chin, mouth, and eye shape but Dave's eye color and cheeks.

On Kettle Korn, patriotism, happiness, and the occasional tantrum

We had a wonderful 4th of July here in San Diego, and hope yours was lovely too. We had lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, then went home for a leisurely nap, and ventured out again at dusk for fireworks at the local high school, which were awesome. It was Nick's first experience with fireworks since we didn't go watch them last year; he was just too small and I was just too tired! Anyway, his favorite part of the fireworks experience had nothing to do with fireworks. He had his first taste of Kettle Korn and it was over. The love affair has begun. I am the world's biggest Kettle Korn fanatic, and I've clearly passed this trait on to my son. A friend of mine in grad school said she'd never seen anyone eat as much KK as I could in one sitting. Well my friends, Nick caught up with me pretty quickly. He got tired of us handing him one kernel at a time and proceeded to stick his own hand in the bag to feed himself.

Good thing you can't get KK just any old place at any time. Next time will either be at the fair or on 4th of July 2009.

Anyway, this entire weekend he has been in the BEST mood, aside from the moments when he needed to "demonstrate his independence" as the book calls it (read: act like a crazy monster man and humiliate mama). He really only threw one tantrum this weekend (knock on wood - it's still Saturday evening as I write this) and that was at the park. He's obsessed with "big kids" and wanting to do what they do. Well, wouldn't you know there were bunch of five year-olds playing soccer and he was SO mad that Dave and I wouldn't let him go and interrupt their game. Hmmph.

Then he wanted to walk all alone down the concrete path that runs the length of the park. We let him go. And as I watched from behind, I got teary eyed. I remembered someone telling me that once children learn to walk they begin the journey out of your arms and they become the world's child, not yours anymore. I don't know. It was a mushy mama moment. It seems like he was just born yesterday and, snap, there he goes walking down the path away from me in big-boy shoes and I know that, snap, I'll turn around again and he'll be walking down another path toward kindergarten. It's just going by so fast. Too fast.

But I enjoy the hell out of every moment, I'll tell you. Even the ones that make me crazy. No one will ever be able to say I didn't savor this time, because I have in every possible way. And on weekends like this, when he's just as sweet and happy and giggly and fun as he can be, I try as hard as I can to stop time.

Okay so on with the happy pics and pics from fourth of July in his spiffy red-white-and-blue shirt, white linen roll-up pants, and blue Robeez sandals. Doesn't he look patriotic?

Up to no good

Nick is into anything and everything these days and he finds it so funny when I say no to him; he doesn't even seem to mind if I slap him on the hand when he tries to stick it in Bella's water bowl. What's worse, he starts laughing the minute he begins walking in the direction of her bowl, before I even say "no" in that low-pitched, evil mama voice. How to deter him? Sometimes the look on his face is so mischevious and - if I'm honest - cute that I have to turn around because I don't want him to see me smile at him when he's being naughty. I don't think the pics below require captions. You can read this little man's mind these days.

But I do wonder how I'll manage if he only gets sneakier AND wiser in the months to come ...

The most photographed non-celeb child alive

Or, my love-hate relationship with Picture People where you can get great shots but there's no option to buy them digitally. Boo. I bought a few cropped enlargements for the living room and they turned out just amazing. He is such a good sport.

Nick FFF (Friday Fast Facts)

Age: 15 months on June 30 (Monday)
Weight: 22 lbs
Height: need to measure
Clothing size: 12 months, he's a teeny bean
First word: Dada
Current favorite word: Daya (prounounced Die-a, we think it's Nickspeak for Bella)
Least favorite word: NO
Favorite food: Fries with ranch dressing, hamburger meat
Least favorite food: Any baby food
Current occupation: Mama's court jester
Number of teeth: four on top, four on the bottom, molar or two on the way
Temperament: Mellow but prone to tantrums
Nap time: Noon to 3 p.m.
Bed time: 9-10 p.m.
Wake time: anywhere from 7:30-9 a.m. depending on bedtime previous night
Favorite pasttime: Cat chasing
Shoe size: 5 1/2 Stride Rite, 5 See Kai Run

Is he ...
Walking? yes
Running? check
Screaming when people don't pay enough attention to him? also check
Funky? absolutely
Crazy? occasionally
Obstinant? check
A lot like his mama? yes
Obsessed with animal fur, particularly the pulling of said fur? much to our chagrin
A good dancer? depends on what you think good looks like
A sweet man? oh yeah
An opinionated man? on certain things
A good eater? not of fruit, but otherwise yes
An affectionate peanut? all the time
A mama's boy? to the extreme
A flirt? yes and his dad loves it, even helps him work the room sometimes ...

The things we do for love

Moms do crazy-wonderful things for their kids that are often not appreciated until those kids are much older (if they are ever appreciated at all). Like the 300-page book I've written for Nick that if I'm lucky he'll read maybe once when he's 30 and expecting his own child. But we do things because we love our babies, not for the thanks we'll get or the rewards that may or may not come.

Such is the case with my mom, too, who collected depression glass for me and my sister for decades without knowing if we would or could ever appreciate how hard she had to work to find each piece, or how much money she spent securing a collection over the years. She collected pink for me, green for my sister. And now we both love our depression glass sets. Who wouldn't? They are beautiful! It's virtually impossible to find complete sets these days.

This week when they came down for their weekly visit, mom and dad brought me my set - service for 8 in pink Block Optic with the pitcher and 12 glasses too. Unheard of. And I have it because she loved me.

Here are pics of the pieces in the sink being cleaned (except for one plate that I deliberately did not clean well because it still had the worn price tag on it and I wanted to save that). I dream of having a tea party with my sister one day where we combine our collections and have a table overflowing with pink and green sparkly glass dishes and cups and glasses. Wouldn't it be beautiful?


Thanks, mom. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

When what you have is what you need

I am struggling lately with finding balance in my life, with determining when enough is enough. Setting limits for myself has never been my strong suit. And in many ways, if I'm honest, I don't think enough ever is enough. I wish I had more of so many things. Take photographs for example. I swear to you that I took 1,000 pictures of Nick when he was newborn and yet I feel like there are about 10 good ones and I could just slap myself for not working harder to get the perfect shot in the perfect light. I need to remind myself that I was T-I-R-E-D and that I barely showered or slept, let alone worried about light and camera angles. It's so easy to be critical after the fact. But now there are other things I feel like I want more of in my world, and I am realizing that setting limits may be my big lesson to learn in life. Sometimes enough is enough. Sometimes what doesn't seem like enough to me is way more than other people could ever want or need. Sometimes the universe knows better than I do how much of stuff I need. So today I will stop pushing, wanting, asking, and just be with what I have where I am.

One month apart

Nick and Mattias are a mere 30 days apart in age; Mattias was born 3/1/07 and Nick was born 3/31/07. They play so nicely together! Especially in Mattias' beautiful back yard with the fun frog pool on hot summery days like today (which Nick hogged the entire time we were there - but Mattias didn't seem bothered ... such a generous host). Nick returned the favor by trying to push Mattias around on his cart later in the afternoon, which may have been difficult because Mattias is about 7 pounds heavier than he is :0).

Nick's 1st year in Flickr

As you know, I am cataloging Nick's 2nd year in Flickr and am finally getting around to adding the pics from his first year in a separate set. Follow this link to see them. I'll be adding and arranging for a few days until it's fully organized. Enjoy! Comments on the pics are appreciated!