Three on Thursday - the Eve of All Hallows Eve Edition

3. Dave decorated for Halloween tonight since we've been a little busy and distracted around these parts. But he did a great job, and I'll post pics tomorrow.
2. I took Nick to Babies R Us today to have his official Halloween photos taken (they did such a cute job last year!) and it was a t-r-a-i-n-w-r-e-c-k. They ran late, he was cranky, the photographer was less-than-talented at getting a toddler to sit or smile (I'm being generous there), and his hat was either too tight or came down too far over his face (this will get fixed tomorrow pre-trick-or-treating). I didn't buy any of the pics, which is so not like me. I'm usually the "buy the biggest package available" kind of mom. Bad pics combined with a bad economy (and an attempt at frugality on my part) translated into me not having any Halloween photos to share with you tonight.
1. On a much happier note, I am officially halfway through my pregnancy with Zoe (yep, that's her name) and Nick loves my growing belly. Here's a photo of what he does all the time, which is pull up my shirt and touch my belly, or better stick his fingers in my belly button.
Happy Halloween!

What keeps me going ...

is that he smiles like this at me about 1000 times a day.

Fighting back the blues

For the past few weeks I've had to battle the blues, a sense of broad discouragement about different facets and aspects of my life that seem both temporary and permanent. I know some of this "depression" may be pregnancy-induced, so I am trying to distinguish hormonal fluctuation from actual sadness. I know I have much to be grateful for in my life, and most days I am able to focus just on those good things. But at work I am feeling like the harder I try the less I am able to please people, who seem only ever to see what I can't do, can't produce. I've had a few students disappoint me this semester in different ways, and I'm reminded of a colleague's advice when I was in graduate school, that I need to pull back and not care so much. It's just that I pride myself on how much I care. I invest time and energy and love and while in many cases that's what I reap, it's clear that many people see me only as a means to an end, and invariably want more from me than I can offer, not acknowledging that this is the childbearing season in my life and my son and now my daughter don't ask to be in first place - they demand it, they deserve it.

At home I have a husband who is a good man but who was raised by completely unemotional and dysfunctional parents, and so, when stressed, he reverts to his early model of little sympathy and less tenderness at a time when that's what I need most. He offers so much, but not a shoulder to cry on alas when days are long and my heart is heavy. I look and hope he'll have better capacity for tenderness with his little girl. She will need her father to be a model of the man she'll look for herself one day.

I need to turn my face to the sun and count my blessings, and I will. I do. But some days the sun seems hidden behind the clouds. Today is one of those days.

Let me take you to Julian for the day ...

so you can see Autumn there through my eyes. What fun we had soaking up the magic of fall in the local mountains, including ripened apples on the ground and golden leaves everywhere we looked. I took some of these photos especially for my sister who I know will appreciate the Halloween decorations more than anyone! If you want to see the rest of the photos from the day, visit the flickr album here. Enjoy!

Morning sunshine

Just a few pics from this morning that warmed my heart!

Mia Scarlett

Nick and Mia spent today together, having lunch and playing afterward. I'm honing my photography skills! What a beautiful subject I had. Isn't she just precious?

Halloween preview

Nick had to be a duck this year. He "does the duck" when you tell him to, which means he puts his arms behind his back and tilts his head. It's so cute! I have no idea how he learned that. But we even made up a song for it. So here's his official duck suit for Halloween 2008.

Life is full of surprises!

I went into my 18-week anatomy scan today just hoping to learn that our baby is healthy and growing on schedule; I didn't expect to have the entire process turned upside down when the sonographer said, "You're having a GIRL!" I almost fell off the table. My mom and husband were silent. Here we've been expecting a boy for about 3 weeks since the last ultrasound we had at one of those commercial 4D places. Well, they were wrong; it was either too early and her parts were swollen, or what we thought was a penis was actually the umbilical cord, or both. But it's 100% for sure, we're having a girl.

If you read my earlier posts on being a mom to two boys, you probably sensed my ambivalence about having another son. But as time went on, I'd really come around to the idea! I imagined Nick and his little brother cruising around in their wagon together, teaching each other boy stuff. Of course I'm over-the-moon happy to be having a daughter. But the news today kind of knocked me off my feet. I didn't see it coming, or even think to look.

Life keeps you on your toes, that's for sure! Oh and best of all, she's healthy. Above all, isn't that what matters most?

A SUPER-fast Ten on Tuesday

'cause I only have a minute to do this:
10. Dave's stomach is upset. Hope he's not gettin' the flu. I don't think I'm going to be sick anytime soon (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) because ...
9. I got my flu shot yesterday!
8. Nick bumped his head last night, and I swear to you, that's all he does. Bump here, scratch there. I don't think I was meant to raise boys. I am constantly in a state of disaster preparedness!
7. I love the fall weather but not the wind because ...
6. Last year it led to fires and evacuations and our two cars full of everything we own. And two weeks of ash clean-up in the backyard. And ash all around the inside of our house too. No fun. At least we were fortunate enough not to suffer property damage or loss.
5. I look 7 months pregnant even though I'm only 4 1/2.
4. I'm having bizarre dreams of the kind only pregnant women get.
3. A funny thought - somewhere about halfway through my pregnancies (like right about now) I get this terrible anxiety when I realize OHMYGOODNESS this baby will have to eventually come out of me! This is less scary now that the exit most commonly used has already been (ahem) used.
2. I'd still rather have a vaginal birth over c-section any day. Even though it's the weirdest experience ever and no one prepares you for the true weirdness of it. Maybe I'll post on that one of these days.
1. The baby just kicked me. I have really started to feel him movin' this week.

Have a good week yourself!

Huntin' for pumpkins at Bates Nut Farm

We hope we started a new family tradition this weekend of visiting Bates Nut Farm for pumpkin hunting before Halloween. The property is probably 25 acres, with a full general store (decorated for Halloween, Thanksgiving AND Christmas, can you imagine?) and the biggest sprawling pumpkin patch I've ever seen in my life. We ate bratwurst and tri-tip and kettle corn and then ran around and chased Nick for about 2 hours before we were too exhausted to go on. It was a fun day, even though it officially wore the pregnant lady out. Here are some of my favorite photos from the day.
We're actually thinking about going back one more time before Halloween! And then of course for their Christmas festival next month!

Vaccinations, AKA things that go bump (and scream and blister) in the night

Some of you know I am an advocate of alternative vaccination schedules. I am not anti-vaccination, but I do not accept the current immunization schedule as advanced by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which receives funding from the pharmaceutical companies who produce the vaccines they mandate. Two conditions would precipitate a change in the opinion I am expressing here, and would lead me to reconsider my stance against the current vaccination regimen:
1. If financial considerations and "kick-backs" were removed, and the AAP endorsed these vaccines solely for the greater good, with no incentive for gain, and
2. If research would be funded by the NIH to investigate the existing correlational data that has indeed established a link - albeit not a causal one - between receipt of the live MMR vaccine and onset of autism spectrum-related disorders. Currently, the NIH refuses to fund such studies. Senate Bill 843, the Combating Autism Act, has yet to produce any codified results, much to my lack of surprise.

I have kept Nick current on other immunizations, such as DTaP (Diptheria, Tetanus and Pertussis) and HIB (Haemophilus-B influenza). At his 18-month well visit two weeks ago, my doctor - who supports my decision to alter his schedule - talked me into a "two in one" shot of DTaP and HIB, which produced a serious reaction at the site (evidence of his immunity, but frightening nonetheless). His leg was swollen twice its size, red, hot to the touch, and he was fussy, even downright nightmarishly angry, for days. He never got a fever, thank goodness, because he's prone to febrile seizures. But those four days kept me and my parents on our toes. I called the doctor's office only to be reassured this is a "normal" reaction in someone his age who has had the required multiple rounds of these particular immunizations. I could report his reaction to the vaccine injury compensation program if I wanted to advance research on why certain children experience such symptoms while others don't.

How reassuring.

I will post more on this in the weeks to come as I hope to begin a dialogue on the subject and even plan to write an article - where it will be published, I don't know, but somewhere moms can access it - to encourage a conversation. My thesis? The decision to immunize your child needs to be a decision, not an automatic response to a physician's recommendation. Everyone in this equation, right down to your own pediatrician, has a vested interest in how many vaccinations your child receives. My doctor has to report to the AAP the proportion of his treatment population who are on an "alternative schedule" even though technically the only alteration we've made is to have Nicholas receive shots one at a time over many months and to avoid the MMR until age 4 when his immune system will be mature enough not to over-respond as we suspect happens in cases of vaccine-induced autism (where children are genetically predisposed to such a reaction). I am also hoping that by age 4, research will be completed that either finally establishes or negates a connection between the MMR vaccination and autism spectrum disorders.

I just want moms to know they have options and decisions to make. And moms who breastfeed, says my doctor, have more options because their children are gathering stronger immunity through breastmilk than those who are formula-fed and thus perform better on an alternative schedule.

Sweetness

I'm here ...

just dealing with way too many student issues right now. I'll get back to posting in a few days.

I'm 17 weeks pregnant! Our anatomy scan is next Friday. I'm excited to see good closeup 3D shots of the peanut.

Here's a photo of Nick, and one of me and my tummy, from last weekend. Doesn't he look very grown-up?
Hope you're having a great week! Oh, and p.s., expect a very long post on vaccination reactions soon. I'm about at my wit's end with Nick's reaction to his DTaP and HIB shots this week. What are they injecting into our kids? And why so many rounds? I have lots of thoughts and research to share on this very complicated subject when time allows.

Mother of boys - what it means

Shoes in the kitchen, jeans on the floor
Basketballs lying at the back door
Living room carpet shows signs of wear
The fridge and the cupboards are constantly bare.

The toilet seat's up, it's stuck that way
The sports on TV blare all day
Racetracks, footballs, all kinds of toys
How did you guess, I'm the mother of boys. - Author Unknown

I laid awake last night in bed, unable to sleep. That moment when you learn the sex of your child changes your life in an instant. The broad strokes of your future unfold before you and you begin, in a natural way I think, to imagine how your relationship with this little person and his relationship with others in your family will evolve.

I am the mother of boys, and that means certain things. On the not-so-bright side, it means I will be their favorite for a while, and then Dave will be their favorite for probably longer, and while perhaps it's that way with girls too, my boys will go on in life to identify more with their dad. It means I have lots of sports in my future, but no ballet classes. I will, I hope, see them become parents one day, but I won't be able to experience motherhood again with them, through them. On the very bright side, it means I have less hair to comb, serious hand-me-down clothes to pass around, and an intense amount of love to look forward to for a long time since Nick, at least, is the truest kind of mama's boy. It means I get to be mother-of-the groom once or twice, I hope, and maybe it means that I will see myself in future granddaughters I might have. What it doesn't mean, I have begun to tell myself, is that I'll for sure be lonely when I'm older. A woman at the park the other day told me she hopes I'm having a girl because "boys are in your life until they find a wife." I think if I do my job well, my boys will want to be in my life even then. I hope to love them so much and so well that they miss me even when another woman comes to "take my place."

These are my thoughts today as I sit with the final picture of what my family will look like. This beautiful boy I'm carrying is my last child, and I know he has come as a blessing in so many ways. I want to sit back now and enjoy the ride of carrying him (and make sure I have plenty of blue-themed scrapbook supplies for these remaining months!).

It's a BOY!

And no one is more surprised than me. But I always said if I could have my first choice, I'd clone Nick; I couldn't love him more than I do. And being mom to a son is a very special thing. Nick's buddy is on the way. Now we have to think about names ...

15 weeks and growing!

My vote is cast: I think I'm having a girl. I will be totally shocked this coming Thursday (when we are scheduled to find out) if it's a boy - not because I want a girl more than a boy, because I don't. What leads me to my conclusion is that everything about this pregnancy, right down to how I'm carrying this baby, is different. Last time, I carried low and didn't show until 18-20 weeks. Now I'm carrying high and already look like I did at 18-20 weeks (and I was thinner to begin with this time!). My cravings? Less severe. The nausea? MUCH worse.

We shall see if I'm right.

Here's a photo from today that Dave took. Of course he took about 20 pictures and my favorite one is the pose where the lighting is worst. He's still learning to use the Rebel. I'm scrapbooking this pregnancy and already have 5 pages full of photos of me and my tummy and the baby's first sets of ultrasound images. I am excited to be going to Babies First Ultrasound this week; they guarantee they can tell the sex at 15 weeks or else you can come back the next week for free. We went with Nick at around the same time and they were spot on. Plus the images were amazing. He was already sucking his thumb.

Here's another photo from today of me with my Little Man. He's photogenic, that one. Must be all the practice ...

Have a good Sunday!

Photo of the week

Look who learned how to climb up on the chair and sit by himself ... much to mama's chagrin.

Funny

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are having auditory hallucinations, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed hang up; it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. The good news: You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons because you'll just mess it up.

Fage: My new favorite thing

I'll admit it: I'm a yogurt snob. The thicker and more Greek-style I can find, the better. However, Greek yogurt tends to be very high in fat. It's almost like concentrated yogurt if you haven't tried it - very thick, very rich, somewhat tart. A friend turned me on to Fage because it's lowfat Greek yogurt with the same consistency as other, higher fat brands. The only problem is that it comes unflavored at my Henry's and Trader Joes and has no sweetness to mellow the taste. I solved this problem today by adding 2 teaspoons of all natural raspberry preserves (Bonne Maman, to be specific) and stirring well. The result? Heaven at only about 160 calories a container and 4 grams of fat (compare to 360 cals and 17 grams of fat in my former fave brand). You must try it. Stir in your fave preserves and let me know what you think!

So in love

My heart is full of love these days, for the one who's already here and the one whose arrival I await. I look at Nick in complete awe and ask myself often how it's possible that I made him, and reflect on how God gave me a child more beautiful, sweet, and gentle than I ever imagined. This photo I took yesterday really captures the essence of his spirit. Then yesterday I had my first trimester screen for Baby #2 and got the first real glimpse of him or her (the tech said she bets it's a girl ... won't know for sure for a few more weeks). And there my next child was, moving and kicking and sucking its thumb. Love all over again. Love bigger than I imagined possible. It's amazing how the experience of motherhood fills your heart. I feel very blessed today.