No sprinkle in the forecast

We had an amazing baby shower for my son Nick, who's now 22 months old; it really was the shower to end all showers. I wasn't planning to have more kids after Nick, but when I found out I was having a girl this time I really did want to have a party for her. Not a full-on shower, but what's called a "sprinkle" or a mini shower, in part because there's so much we need given her gender (there's something so wrong about swaddling her in football-printed blankets or making her wear blue socks, which right now is all I have) and in part just to celebrate her arrival so she'd have the full scrapbook of pre-birth photos of people welcoming her like Nick does.

Well, here I am 33 weeks pregnant and the window of opportunity to "sprinkle" her is closing. My sister kindly offered earlier on to throw a party at her house but she lives in Orange County and I knew my San Diego friends with kids wouldn't want to drive all that way. My mom says I shouldn't have a second shower because it's tacky, and suggests that I want people to buy me more gifts. She says in her generation you only got one shower per family, and I've had mine. But I'm going to three "sprinkles" for friends of mine in the next two months who are having their second children - all of whom are about to have girls after having boys - and getting ready for their showers makes me sad about not having my own.

Last weekend I got inspired with a small boost of energy and went on evite only to find beautiful rose-themed invitations (perfect given Zoe's name) and thought hey, I could do a small fete at the house on Valentine's Day weekend (again, the theme) and keep it low key - just finger foods and rose cupcakes like I'd planned and I wouldn't have so much cleaning to do or so much prep, it wouldn't be so expensive, and I could do it all myself. But then the energy left me and I became overwhelmed again by trying to get this all together and planned. I'll be 36 weeks pregnant by Valentine's Day.

Dave had a good idea last night - write a letter to Zoe telling her all the things I would have done, all the little details I had in mind, and just explain to her that I waited too long and was too tired to act on them. But the loving intention was there to welcome her with a rose-themed party. I know I would appreciate knowing that my mom wanted to do something for me, even if she wasn't able to do it. Girls appreciate that, right? Of course Dave had another idea that was awful - wait until after she arrives and then have a party. Only a man would even propose such a ridiculous plan. If I think I'm tired now ...

If you're reading this and have strong feelings - like YES you should plan it and do it even if you don't feel like it because you'll regret it or NO just move on and let it go - I'd love to know! For now it's a sunny forecast ahead - not a sprinkle in sight. And in a way that makes me just a bit sad.

Monday Madness

Here begins week 33 and I'm feeling as big as a house! I'm 4 inches bigger around my tummy today than I was when I delivered Nick at 36 weeks. My friend Michele talked me into letting her take this picture even though I was feeling particularly run down. I guess it's good to document your pregnancy even when you feel less-than-photoworthy.
Nick and I are both sick, that's the other good news. I am working feverishly to finish up the last of my work projects so I can enjoy my maternity leave and get ready for Ms. Zoe's arrival. Crazy to think: My doctor says she thinks Zoe will be born in February, not March when she's technically due. January may be my last month as a mother of "one on the outside."

32 weeks

Only one month left until she's the same gestational age as Nick was when he arrived. Hard to believe! The countdown has begun ...And my favorite photo of the week of the little elf who's already here ...

Five on Friday

5. It's 11 p.m. so I better hop to it, or this will have to become the Six on Saturday instead.
4. At most I have 8 weeks left to spend with Nicholas alone before Zoe comes and part of me is just so emotional about that fact. I couldn't stop crying tonight as I held him and he fell asleep. I think when I actually go into labor I'll be a wreck - happy on the one hand and eager to meet Ms. Zoe but just about as sad as I can be that Nick will never after that point have my undivided attention again (well not for long stretches like he does now, anyway). So I'm soaking them up, our little mommy and Nick moments. And I'm writing to him in his book about this time we are sharing and how much it means to me, both so I'll remember it and he'll be able to see that once he was the center of my world.
3. I just started to cry again writing that. Ugh. Hormones.
2. I never knew, before I had kids, that I could love another person the way I love my son. Everyone tells you that's the case, but you just can't imagine it. Today when Dave came home from a week out of town, I thought Nick would be eager for some space from me. I went to the bathroom ALONE (meaning it was just me in there and I actually closed the door) for the first time in like 6 days, and he banged on the door and cried and said, "mama, mama" over and over again. The best part about a parent's love for her child is that it's returned so generously.
1. I'm just bewildered as to how my heart can be so full and so torn at the same time, and I worry that I won't be able to give either of my kids all the attention they deserve. I guess every parent who has more than one child feels this way.

On that note, it's off to bed for this tired mama!

Week 30 Fun Shots

Nick's now into pointing at my belly and then showing me his.

First pics of 09

Here are the newest pics taken of Nick in this new year, age 21 months. Oh how I love photographing him. It brings me such joy. Hope your new year is off to a great start and that these make you smile.

Bird?

Nick is all about birds - he loves seeing them in person, and he has a special book he calls "bird book" (the real title is "Who Pretends?" but because it has a bird in it, he named it bird book) that he insists on us reading to him at least 4 times before nap and bed and 4 times afterward. In fact when he wakes from his nap the first thing he says is "bird book?"

I'm loving this time with him when he's developing his vocabulary and becoming expressive. The way he says bird is adorable to me - he always raises his voice at the end, as if he's asking a question ("bird?") and he sees birds where there are none, like inside the grocery store for example. He'll point up and say "bird?" and I feel so sad when I have to disappoint him and say "No, Nick, there's no bird in here." Last week he caught me off guard though at Red Robin when he said "bird?" and I said, "no honey, no bird" and he got so frustrated with me: "bird! bird! bird!"
and pointed at his cup, which actually did have a bird - a red robin, duh - on the front.

Here's a short clip of him bird-hunting one morning with Dave:

Sneak Peek: Zoe Rose at 29.5 weeks

She looks *just* like Nick at his 30 week ultrasound ... amazing! She weighs 3 1/2 pounds now. For comparison sake, here are HER photos from today ...








And here are Nick's ultrasound photos from the same week, two years ago:

Peek-a-Ba!

Another video - now that I know how to upload them to YouTube, expect many more posts like this one ...

Nick and Mattias having fun

Bright Blessing

He is my sunshine, my only sunshine; he makes me happy when skies are gray. He'll never know, that Nicholas, how much I love him. Please don't take my sunshine away. (Photos from Christmas day and today, 12/29, his first visit to Sea World!)

O Christmas Tree

Two of my three trees are up this year. I have completely run myself ragged getting Christmas together (the back pain from shopping and wrapping and working and chasing and lifting and carrying around an extra 30 pounds is horrendous) so the third tree and other decorations (like those I collected this fall for Zoe's tree, which will be a fairy/secret garden themed tree ... she has 2 fairies, 2 butterflies, and 4 green glass ornaments so far ...) have been packed away safely in anticipation of more energy on my part next year (ha!). But the trees photographed above really are my favorite two: The gingerbread tree, and our main tree, the red tree. I tried to take some good photos by playing with my camera's ISO and other settings (thanks for the tips Susie!).

On a funny note, we went to a Christmas party this weekend where Santa arrived and you had the option of bringing a small gift for him to give your child while he was there. Well, when he got to Nick's gift, he YELLED out "Nicholas!? Where is Nicholas? That's MY name!" and scared the crap out of my little guy, who started crying and didn't want to take the gift Santa offered him (even thought it was a cool red bird and Nick l-o-v-e-s birds).

My child isn't a huge fan of Mr. Claus. Yet.

Sadly, another child at the party had parents who either didn't remember or couldn't afford to give him a gift from Santa so the hostess collected money from everyone and put it in an envelope for him. All of the other kids' gifts were thoughtfully chosen and wrapped; it was hard to watch him open his envelope of singles without a sign of joy or happiness on his face. {sigh} Makes me wish I had been thoughtful enough to bring an extra gift just in case. I will next time. It was another reminder to me of the many blessings I tend to take for granted.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Project 365: A Year in Review

Thanks to Susie, I learned of this concept, where you take one photo a day and upload it into a set, and at the end of the year you've captured sequential memories. It's an awesome experience, though a lot of work I must say to stay organized and committed. In the interest of full disclosure, some days I took no photos and other days I took three, so it's not quite exactly 365 days of Nick's 2nd year of life, but it's very, very close. If you hold your mouse over a thumbnail photo you can see the date it was taken; and if you click on a photo you can see it enlarged.

So, if you want to see how Nick has changed in the past year, click here. I'm pretty darned proud of myself for keeping up with this project all year long and hope to do it again in 2009.

26 1/2 weeks

Zoe's getting big and strong! I already know her sleep-and-wake patterns. She's about 14 inches from head to toe and weighs 2 pounds. Her mama is just thankful this is the last week of classes and soon I can rest.

A Monday funny - because this is going to be a l-o-n-g week

This past weekend we taught Nick to say "ooooh noooo" (which he says as "ahhhh naaaa"). What we didn't teach him but he managed to learn anyway (smartie pants) is the comedic timing piece. He says it unprompted at all the right moments (like when he's supposed to be going down for a nap and I get upset because he refuses to sleep, for example).

I laughed until I cried when he wouldn't nap and I said, "Okay Nick, you either nap with mama or it's in the cosleeper for you" and he said, "aaaah naaaa."

You live for these moments as a mom. You really do. Have a good week!

Five on Friday: The "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas *and* I'm feeling sentimental" edition

I'm sitting upstairs in my office with the door open, working, on a Friday night at 7 p.m. while Dave watches Nick downstairs. I can hear their conversation. And I want to stop working and go join them. Every day my little boy is getting bigger, and I'm endlessly conflicted about the way I divide my time between him and my work. Both are important. One is fleeting though, and I can't get my time with Nick back.

So here are my five sentimental-and-somewhat-holiday-related thoughts tonight:
1. That hearing Nick and David jibber-jabber to each other with Christmas music playing softly in the background is the sweetest sound I can imagine.
2. That even though I do my best every day for everyone in my life, and go to bed absolutely exhausted for that very reason, it's still not good enough and probably never will be. Even though ironically it has to be.
3. That Nick is now 20 months old and will be able to tell Santa next year what he actually wants for Chrismas. Scary!
4. That I already long for the days when I could pose Nick for pictures in front of our Christmas tree because now he gets up and walks away. Hmph.
5. That Christmas is so much more extra-special for me now that I have children. It just seemed empty for a while there. How kids refocus your attention on what matters is truly miraculous.

Have a good weekend!

X-rays from yesterday

I actually think this x-ray shot of Nick's little legs is cute. Don't you?

Because sometimes you need a reminder

We get lulled into thinking our problems are big problems; sometimes they are, but a lot of times, they're not. Here's what life did for me today: It took what seemed like a problem and put it in a whole lot of context. Nick has been having trouble walking lately. For about a month now. He has been tripping more and more, and losing his balance in situations where he otherwise wouldn't. And I have totally freaked out. He saw his pediatrician who encouraged me to relax, telling me that he's "toeing in" but that it's normal for kids under 2 and besides he has his father's awful flat feet and that lends itself to toeing in, too. RELAX FIRST-TIME MAMA! It's just that when you see your baby struggle, especially with something like walking that's so important and especially especially when he didn't have trouble before, well, you worry.

It seems like a problem.

So my pediatrician made me an appointment with the head of pediatric orthopedics at Rady's Children's Hospital today. One of the best children's hospitals in the country, and one of the biggest. It's a whole medical complex of pediatric sub-specialties: Cardiology, otolaryngology, neurology, and saddest of all perhaps, oncology. Here we were, my little man and me, getting on the elevator with kids who clearly had problems to deal with. And parents who were without their babies, but carrying their babies' things: Blankets, plush bunnies, all wearing "visitor" stickers. We saw our doctor, amidst other patients Nick's age dealing with scoleosis and other awful real problems, and when Nick's x-rays all came back normal and he was diagnosed with "internal tibial torsion" - a genetic turning-in of the tibias on both legs that he got from David, and that will ultimately self-correct by the time he's 3 or 4 - I felt such a series of emotions. It was overwhelming. I could hear the doctor talking and yet I was almost outside my body, thinking about all those babies and kids we'd seen on the way in and how LUCKY we were to be OKAY and able to go HOME.

I held Nick for a few minutes in that room, his tiny little legs and all. And I thanked God from the bottom of my soul. Thank you, thank you, thank you for my healthy babies. Thank you.

Thank you.

Because I needed a reminder to get beyond myself and what seems like a set of problems in my life but isn't. Having a crazy toddler who misbehaves is not a problem. Having a job that never gets done isn't a problem. Having back pain from being pregnant and being exhausted because you're carrying a healthy child is not a problem. I feel blessed today.

Ten on Tuesday, the very quick "I'm thankful" edition

This year I'm thankful for:

10. Nick and Zoe, the family we've created
9. Mom, Dad, Kristin, Jeff, and our extended family, the family created for us, and how much love and effort that took
8. Friendships that sustain me and give me perspective
7. Health
6. Time - time to watch Nick grow and learn and become his own person, time to stay connected with people in the midst of an often chaotic life, time to reflect on where I am and how I got here, time to plan where I want to go
5. A sense of my place in the world
4. Little things that make me happy - sunshine streaming through trees, bare feet on warm concrete, creating things, making Nick giggle, Facebooking, feeling Zoe kick, napping, taking the occasional long bath, watching my belly grow, spending time with people I love, hearing Nick say bird whenever he sees one fly by (sounds like "buh-r" only much cuter)
3. O-ba-ma and hope for our country's future
2. The idea that tomorrow will be better than today just because
1. A heart that's full

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours! Be back next week.

Whole lotta handmade gift tag-making!

So these are a work-in-progress, but here's a shot of the handmade gift tags I'm making for a few friends and family this year. (Click on the photo to see them close up, to fully appreciate the glitter-and-rhinestone action :0) Would it have been cheaper actually to go and buy ready-made ones at the store? Yes, as it turns out. Would it have been nearly as fun or relaxing? Nope.

What are you making this season?