Mother of boys - what it means

Shoes in the kitchen, jeans on the floor
Basketballs lying at the back door
Living room carpet shows signs of wear
The fridge and the cupboards are constantly bare.

The toilet seat's up, it's stuck that way
The sports on TV blare all day
Racetracks, footballs, all kinds of toys
How did you guess, I'm the mother of boys. - Author Unknown

I laid awake last night in bed, unable to sleep. That moment when you learn the sex of your child changes your life in an instant. The broad strokes of your future unfold before you and you begin, in a natural way I think, to imagine how your relationship with this little person and his relationship with others in your family will evolve.

I am the mother of boys, and that means certain things. On the not-so-bright side, it means I will be their favorite for a while, and then Dave will be their favorite for probably longer, and while perhaps it's that way with girls too, my boys will go on in life to identify more with their dad. It means I have lots of sports in my future, but no ballet classes. I will, I hope, see them become parents one day, but I won't be able to experience motherhood again with them, through them. On the very bright side, it means I have less hair to comb, serious hand-me-down clothes to pass around, and an intense amount of love to look forward to for a long time since Nick, at least, is the truest kind of mama's boy. It means I get to be mother-of-the groom once or twice, I hope, and maybe it means that I will see myself in future granddaughters I might have. What it doesn't mean, I have begun to tell myself, is that I'll for sure be lonely when I'm older. A woman at the park the other day told me she hopes I'm having a girl because "boys are in your life until they find a wife." I think if I do my job well, my boys will want to be in my life even then. I hope to love them so much and so well that they miss me even when another woman comes to "take my place."

These are my thoughts today as I sit with the final picture of what my family will look like. This beautiful boy I'm carrying is my last child, and I know he has come as a blessing in so many ways. I want to sit back now and enjoy the ride of carrying him (and make sure I have plenty of blue-themed scrapbook supplies for these remaining months!).

It's a BOY!

And no one is more surprised than me. But I always said if I could have my first choice, I'd clone Nick; I couldn't love him more than I do. And being mom to a son is a very special thing. Nick's buddy is on the way. Now we have to think about names ...

15 weeks and growing!

My vote is cast: I think I'm having a girl. I will be totally shocked this coming Thursday (when we are scheduled to find out) if it's a boy - not because I want a girl more than a boy, because I don't. What leads me to my conclusion is that everything about this pregnancy, right down to how I'm carrying this baby, is different. Last time, I carried low and didn't show until 18-20 weeks. Now I'm carrying high and already look like I did at 18-20 weeks (and I was thinner to begin with this time!). My cravings? Less severe. The nausea? MUCH worse.

We shall see if I'm right.

Here's a photo from today that Dave took. Of course he took about 20 pictures and my favorite one is the pose where the lighting is worst. He's still learning to use the Rebel. I'm scrapbooking this pregnancy and already have 5 pages full of photos of me and my tummy and the baby's first sets of ultrasound images. I am excited to be going to Babies First Ultrasound this week; they guarantee they can tell the sex at 15 weeks or else you can come back the next week for free. We went with Nick at around the same time and they were spot on. Plus the images were amazing. He was already sucking his thumb.

Here's another photo from today of me with my Little Man. He's photogenic, that one. Must be all the practice ...

Have a good Sunday!

Photo of the week

Look who learned how to climb up on the chair and sit by himself ... much to mama's chagrin.

Funny

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are having auditory hallucinations, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed hang up; it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. The good news: You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons because you'll just mess it up.

Fage: My new favorite thing

I'll admit it: I'm a yogurt snob. The thicker and more Greek-style I can find, the better. However, Greek yogurt tends to be very high in fat. It's almost like concentrated yogurt if you haven't tried it - very thick, very rich, somewhat tart. A friend turned me on to Fage because it's lowfat Greek yogurt with the same consistency as other, higher fat brands. The only problem is that it comes unflavored at my Henry's and Trader Joes and has no sweetness to mellow the taste. I solved this problem today by adding 2 teaspoons of all natural raspberry preserves (Bonne Maman, to be specific) and stirring well. The result? Heaven at only about 160 calories a container and 4 grams of fat (compare to 360 cals and 17 grams of fat in my former fave brand). You must try it. Stir in your fave preserves and let me know what you think!

So in love

My heart is full of love these days, for the one who's already here and the one whose arrival I await. I look at Nick in complete awe and ask myself often how it's possible that I made him, and reflect on how God gave me a child more beautiful, sweet, and gentle than I ever imagined. This photo I took yesterday really captures the essence of his spirit. Then yesterday I had my first trimester screen for Baby #2 and got the first real glimpse of him or her (the tech said she bets it's a girl ... won't know for sure for a few more weeks). And there my next child was, moving and kicking and sucking its thumb. Love all over again. Love bigger than I imagined possible. It's amazing how the experience of motherhood fills your heart. I feel very blessed today.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Susie added me to a Facebook group called Ten on Tuesday, so now the pressure's on :0).
2. This is my 13th week of pregnancy, and I'm feelin' it.
3. I bought my first new piece of maternity clothing yesterday after looking through all my other stuff from my pregnancy with Nick and not being able to wear any of it yet because it's all too big. Now that was a nice surprise given that I feel huge!
4. I really like my students and my classes this semester, which is a big deal because when I don't enjoy my classes the semester goes by very s-l-o-w-l-y.
5. Dave told me yesterday that he wishes I were more ambitious, like I was when we got married and had my sights firmly set on a college presidency (which I still do ... just not in the predictable future). I wanted to react to that comment, but I took a deep breath and just realized that to a man working a full-time job (even if I cram it all into 3 days a week), raising a toddler, running a household, and being pregnant may not seem like a lot and that ambition from his perspective means climbing the corporate ladder, which I'm still doing but at an admittedly snail-like pace. Reminds me of that book title "Men are from Mars and women are from some better planet."
6. So I am feeling like an underachiever today, even though my house is clean, my toddler is smart and healthy, my job is under control, my courses are planned all the way through the semester's end, and all the laundry is clean.
7. I just made coffee and it smells so good!
8. I caught up with my friend Bridget (Peach) Bartels yesterday and it was like no time had passed at all since we last talked. I love lifelong friendships.
9. Nick and I are joining Malu and Ben for music class this morning.
10. So I have to go ... have a good week!

12 weeks .. and my first day back to school

While I see my baby bump already, it's kind of hiding in this picture. Maybe that's a good thing :0).

End of my first trimester!

I'm posting a few new things here since school starts this week and I'm sure I won't be back online before next weekend. So much to do. At least my syllabi and are all done and copied. ~Phew~

This week marks the end of my first trimester - 12 long weeks - and I'm still very nauseous. I thought that would have ended by now. With Nick any hint of nausea was gone by week 10. Last week we heard this baby's heartbeat for the first time, 165 beats per minute compared to Nick's 145 beats per minute. Could all of this taken together mean I'm carrying a girl? I'll know in 4 weeks for sure.

Hard to believe that my baby is looking so big now and is fully formed. Now he or she just needs to grow. Thanks for being part of our journey!

What you need vs. what you want

Could you resist these?
I couldn't.

We ended up at Williams Sonoma innocently enough, in search of a new toaster oven. We left with a "filled-pancake pan", batter mix, and pecan pumpkin butter to fill them with. I can almost hear my sister cackling as she reads this since she manages a WS store and talks all the time about people like me who can't resist the food samples and end up buying all the acoutrement because they have no will power. In my defense, the saleswoman appealed to my 17 month-old son who gobbled that pumpkin-filled pancake before I could even say, "Thanks, sure we'll try one."

Touchdown, USC!

USC crushed Virginia today in case you didn't catch the game, and we got to see all the action on our new LCD tv, which was FUN! Here's Nick doing his "TOUCHDOWN" move we taught him. We scored so many touchdowns today that he basically left his arms up for most of the game :0).

Posturing - a necessary political vice?

I really don't like politics. No matter how good and moral a candidate for the presidency may be, there's always a bit of truth-stretching, ethic-bending, and bait-and-switching inherent in "the process." I actually like John McCain. He's gone a bit far to the right in recent years in order to secure his party's nomination; but he has deserved major respect for his life's work, not only in service to our country but the personal trauma he endured as a prisoner of war. He has much more experience than Obama. But I do believe his policies are inconsistent with the change this country must, must undergo in order to have a shot at continued world leadership. I worry for Nick's future. George Bush has made a mess that frankly no one man on his own can ever clean up.

I also really like Hillary Clinton and thought she fought a good fight. If McCain had chosen her as a running mate, or Condoleeza Rice, I would have felt like he selected a running mate first, and a woman second. But to choose Sarah Palin, whom he met only once before choosing her and asking her to take on The Job, screams sexism. It screams tokenism. It screams desperation. He wanted a pro-life woman with state leadership experience. Okay. Was she the only one he could find? Adding a woman to the ticket just for the sake of doing so, for the remote possibility of luring Hillary voters to his side by counting on their stupidity, is to be honest the most offensive move I've seen any politician make in my lifetime.

For Obama-Biden supporters, there are of course some perks to the McCain-Palin ticket. It undercuts any potential arguments the McCain camp or anyone else may make at the Republican Convention about Obama's lack of experience. As one reporter suggested today, Palin makes Obama look like John Adams. More to the point, McCain is no spring chicken, and Palin is in no position to run this country.

I'm sorry, John McCain. You've had my unyielding respect until today. Now I feel like you're counting on the entire population of moderate and right-leaning women to be narrow-minded, as well as short-sighted, and vote for you just because you've got a woman on your ticket. We're a lot smarter than you give us credit for, "my friend." And if there was even a slight chance you would have had my vote before, well, count me out for good. I bet I'm not the only one!

**Note to the reader: I'm someone who fits into a tax bracket that would be rewarded by a McCain win, and will be additionally taxed by an Obama win. In case my interests in working against McCain might seem self-serving, I am willing to pay more taxes to avoid other ramifications of his administration especially in light of recent developments.

Five on Friday

1. Nick had terrible gas last night and screamed for a few hours so he and I are both exhausted today. Not a good combination - tired and very fussy baby, tired and very pregnant and hormonal mama. I think we will eat comfort food and watch Little Einsteins together until naptime.
2. Yesterday was our genetic counseling appointment for Baby #2 and I'm starting to think there is such a thing as too much information (says the professor who always says more info is better). I left there feeling worried and thought back to my pregnancy with Nick when I didn't do all these early tests, so I worried less. Ignorance is bliss. On the flip side I'll know sooner and more definitively this time that the new baby is healthy.
3. People are very judgmental about the fact that we co-sleep with Nick - way more judgmental than I would have ever expected - and most of the judgment comes from other moms who are constantly saying to me, "Well of course you're going to put him in his crib now and let him work it out before the next baby arrives, RIGHT?" I trust my own judgment as a mother to make decisions about what's right for me and my baby. And I try to let others do the same.
4. I'm craving homemade grilled cheese sandwiches, food from Chili's, and fruit. It's a weird combination. So my house is stocked with bread, cheese, and berries.
5. I keep having dreams where people bring me pictures of myself when I was thinner, and tell me how pretty I used to be before I had kids. I think I need a little dose of self-esteem this week. I'm in that phase of pregnancy where you just look chunky. No one would know I'm pregnant, but they'd think I have eaten one too many hamburgers. I don't want to wish the rest of these first months away, but there is an up-side to "showing". I need one of those t-shirts that says, "I'm not fat - I'm pregnant."

Here's to the weekend, a shot of feel good vibes, and an extra nap or two thrown in for good measure!

Photography dream come true!

Last week Dave bought me the best gift anyone could have given me: A Canon SLR Digital Rebel. The move from point-and-shoot to SLR is huge, and for me it has opened up a whole new photography world! I am trying to learn all I can about my new camera, and am already finding that I'm taking better pictures than ever before. Now I am guaranteed not to miss any shots of Nick in action or amazing close-ups of my new baby.

Stay tuned for new and better photos!

Wanna hear him talk?

Nick's "talking" has really progressed this week. Here's a short clip of him jibber-jabbering from earlier today. His Uncle Jeff says it sounds like "yabba dabba do." Soon enough he'll be making sense and then I will miss these babbling days.

Nick's 1st haircut!

Today Nick had his first haircut at Chloe's Carousel, a very cute and kid-oriented salon here in Rancho Bernardo. At first he was so excited because all he saw was the playroom and toys. He scoped the place out and headed right for ... the pink, heart-shaped magic wand. Not sure why, but he picked the most girly toy in the place to hang on to, and he held it until we left. When his stylist came and called him over, at first he was okay with it/her. She popped in a Baby Einstein video and he was totally relaxed. Then she went to cape him (in a leopard-print cape, no less) and he was like, um, no. The tears started coming. He calmed down once I held him in my lap and helped him focus on Baby Einstein. The haircut itself went uneventfully well, though it was a little uneven (he never stopped moving). All in all, we emerged unscathed. Nick even got a certificate of achievement! I am a proud mom, if just a little sad. I had them box up his little curls and I know I'll keep them forever. One day he'll have dark hair like his father and I do and he'll never believe he was actually blond. And I will always look at this little curls and think of my tiny man, whose personality is as soft and sweet as those baby locks in the box.

Enjoy these fun images of his first salon experience!

On turning 35

I'm sitting here tonight enjoying the last moments of my 34th year. For some reason, 35 is hitting me hard. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and once you turn 35 you are considered high-risk. Of course my risks at 35 aren't all that much more substantial than they were at 33; but just being put in a new category is scary enough. Maybe it's because 35 sounds serious - like now I'm really old enough to know better. No one who's 35 is ever called a kid again. I thought at 35 I would be a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin, but I find that I'm still getting to know myself, my likes and dislikes, my patterns and quirks. Maybe what I need to do is postpone all my anxiety until I turn 40. THEN I can really freak out, right? Because 40 is SO old (just kidding, my mature readers).

It's funny - Dave asked me what I wanted to do tomorrow to celebrate, and my only thoughts are of Nick. What might he enjoy? Where can we go for dinner that he will behave and find something decent to eat? Motherhood changes everything, doesn't it? What I want to do is eat at this amazing Chinese place near our house and SLEEP. What I will do is head out with Nick and Dave for somewhere like Olive Garden. And that's okay. My days of Chinese food and sleep have, at least for the moment, passed me by.

If I sound sad or melancholy, I'm not. I just find that big birthdays make you look backward more than forward. How did I get here? Where have I been? Have I used my time on this planet wisely so far? And I can say with only minimal hesitation that I have. By the age of 35, I've finished my Ph.D. and am two years away from academic tenure, which most people don't even come close to before they are 40-50. I have one beautiful baby and another on the way. I have been married for five years. I am proud of what I've done at what is technically a "young age." I like to imagine where I might be at 70. Then I can reframe tomorrow as the halfway point, which makes me feel much younger as a matter of fact!

I'm sure one day I will look back and laugh at myself for having felt old on my 35th birthday. I will want to reach back in time and hug myself and tell myself that the best was still yet to come. So that's what I'll do tomorrow. I'll give myself a hug and remind myself that big birthdays don't have to mean a look backward; they can be a reminder to look ahead at all that remains to be done, seen, experienced, and all the love and happiness that awaits.

Speaking of love and happiness, here are two shots of my joy from earlier today taken with my birthday present.
If he isn't a sign of all the great blessings in my life, I don't know what is. Here's to gratitude and graceful aging!

"Buck up, Beautiful"

That's what Dave said to me this morning after I puked and wouldn't stop complaining. He came over, gave me a hug, and said those words. Half nice, half really insensitive - or am I just crazy hormonal?

First image

Here is Baby #2, at 6mm long! I am officially 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant, going by the measurements. I thought I was 7 weeks today so I'm a little bit behind (which explains the trouble my doctor had finding this little cutie when she did an ultrasound two weeks ago ...). If you look between the white Xs (you have to click on the image to enlarge it, and then you can see what I'm talking about - you can even make out the head and arms!) you can see the chest cavity, where his/her heart is already beating very strongly. We watched it for a few minutes on the screen and it took my breath away. Here is the little person who's going to complete our family this spring, I thought. Here is the person who will keep Nick company all his life - who will celebrate lifes ups and downs with him, as my siblings have with me.

I'm due March 23, 2009 - 8 days before Nick's 2nd birthday. But it's possible I will deliver this one early since Nick came early, 4 weeks early to be precise.

Now if only I didn't feel like I wanted to throw up every 5 minutes, I could actually relax a bit and enjoy the ride!