Her name

I have found as a mother that naming your child is a sacred act. I think names should have meaning, significance, and purpose; a name should reflect what you feel you know about the little soul who will bear it. Naming my daughter has been more difficult than naming my son, in part because David and I both agreed that we'd like to name a boy after my father, Nicholas. For a girl, we always liked Zoe and Sofia. What's funny is that while we like Zoe Sofia for a first and middle name combo, it just didn't feel "right" based on what I know of this little girl so far. Her soul inside me feels very delicate and light. Sofia is like Athena, heavy and serious. My name feels like a coat of armor sometimes that I have to carry. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's a lot to be. So a few weeks ago, the name Rose came to me. My mom says she's naming herself because almost the same day Rose came to her as an idea for a middle name, too. My grandmother's middle name was Roselle, so it has some significance. Roses are my second favorite flower after plumeria (you can't use *that* as a name) and doesn't Rose just flow with Zoe?

Zoe Rose.

Do you like it too?

Mad duck, happy duck, sugar-buzzed duck

Halloween was fun at our house this year! Well, I should say that it was fun once we convinced Nick to wear his costume. We decorated a little late (as in the day before), but it all came together. See?
I cut the elastic band off Nick's duck hat and sewed on some ribbons to make it more comfortable (it nearly choked him otherwise). He still wasn't convinced of its purpose or importance, so each of us took a turn wearing it for a few minutes to prove it actually was quite chic.

Then he came around. Nothing like peer pressure to make a kid want to wear his costume all of a sudden! Getting it on was difficult.But once we were over that hurdle, he sported the whole suit quite proudly (except the shoes came off pretty quickly because they were tripping him).



We made our rounds to the neighbors' houses (about 8 total) and then headed home to pass out candy. Nick helped this year, which was fun! Last year he really had no idea what was happening but now he's all about seeing who's at the door. Of course the best part of the night was going through his loot in the kitchen and deciding which candy bars to eat himself and which to share with Bella, who was always close by waiting for her shot (of course she didn't actually get any ... but that didn't keep her from trying).
Hope you had an awesome Halloween with your little duck(s) too!

Three on Thursday - the Eve of All Hallows Eve Edition

3. Dave decorated for Halloween tonight since we've been a little busy and distracted around these parts. But he did a great job, and I'll post pics tomorrow.
2. I took Nick to Babies R Us today to have his official Halloween photos taken (they did such a cute job last year!) and it was a t-r-a-i-n-w-r-e-c-k. They ran late, he was cranky, the photographer was less-than-talented at getting a toddler to sit or smile (I'm being generous there), and his hat was either too tight or came down too far over his face (this will get fixed tomorrow pre-trick-or-treating). I didn't buy any of the pics, which is so not like me. I'm usually the "buy the biggest package available" kind of mom. Bad pics combined with a bad economy (and an attempt at frugality on my part) translated into me not having any Halloween photos to share with you tonight.
1. On a much happier note, I am officially halfway through my pregnancy with Zoe (yep, that's her name) and Nick loves my growing belly. Here's a photo of what he does all the time, which is pull up my shirt and touch my belly, or better stick his fingers in my belly button.
Happy Halloween!

What keeps me going ...

is that he smiles like this at me about 1000 times a day.

Fighting back the blues

For the past few weeks I've had to battle the blues, a sense of broad discouragement about different facets and aspects of my life that seem both temporary and permanent. I know some of this "depression" may be pregnancy-induced, so I am trying to distinguish hormonal fluctuation from actual sadness. I know I have much to be grateful for in my life, and most days I am able to focus just on those good things. But at work I am feeling like the harder I try the less I am able to please people, who seem only ever to see what I can't do, can't produce. I've had a few students disappoint me this semester in different ways, and I'm reminded of a colleague's advice when I was in graduate school, that I need to pull back and not care so much. It's just that I pride myself on how much I care. I invest time and energy and love and while in many cases that's what I reap, it's clear that many people see me only as a means to an end, and invariably want more from me than I can offer, not acknowledging that this is the childbearing season in my life and my son and now my daughter don't ask to be in first place - they demand it, they deserve it.

At home I have a husband who is a good man but who was raised by completely unemotional and dysfunctional parents, and so, when stressed, he reverts to his early model of little sympathy and less tenderness at a time when that's what I need most. He offers so much, but not a shoulder to cry on alas when days are long and my heart is heavy. I look and hope he'll have better capacity for tenderness with his little girl. She will need her father to be a model of the man she'll look for herself one day.

I need to turn my face to the sun and count my blessings, and I will. I do. But some days the sun seems hidden behind the clouds. Today is one of those days.

Let me take you to Julian for the day ...

so you can see Autumn there through my eyes. What fun we had soaking up the magic of fall in the local mountains, including ripened apples on the ground and golden leaves everywhere we looked. I took some of these photos especially for my sister who I know will appreciate the Halloween decorations more than anyone! If you want to see the rest of the photos from the day, visit the flickr album here. Enjoy!

Morning sunshine

Just a few pics from this morning that warmed my heart!

Mia Scarlett

Nick and Mia spent today together, having lunch and playing afterward. I'm honing my photography skills! What a beautiful subject I had. Isn't she just precious?

Halloween preview

Nick had to be a duck this year. He "does the duck" when you tell him to, which means he puts his arms behind his back and tilts his head. It's so cute! I have no idea how he learned that. But we even made up a song for it. So here's his official duck suit for Halloween 2008.

Life is full of surprises!

I went into my 18-week anatomy scan today just hoping to learn that our baby is healthy and growing on schedule; I didn't expect to have the entire process turned upside down when the sonographer said, "You're having a GIRL!" I almost fell off the table. My mom and husband were silent. Here we've been expecting a boy for about 3 weeks since the last ultrasound we had at one of those commercial 4D places. Well, they were wrong; it was either too early and her parts were swollen, or what we thought was a penis was actually the umbilical cord, or both. But it's 100% for sure, we're having a girl.

If you read my earlier posts on being a mom to two boys, you probably sensed my ambivalence about having another son. But as time went on, I'd really come around to the idea! I imagined Nick and his little brother cruising around in their wagon together, teaching each other boy stuff. Of course I'm over-the-moon happy to be having a daughter. But the news today kind of knocked me off my feet. I didn't see it coming, or even think to look.

Life keeps you on your toes, that's for sure! Oh and best of all, she's healthy. Above all, isn't that what matters most?

A SUPER-fast Ten on Tuesday

'cause I only have a minute to do this:
10. Dave's stomach is upset. Hope he's not gettin' the flu. I don't think I'm going to be sick anytime soon (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) because ...
9. I got my flu shot yesterday!
8. Nick bumped his head last night, and I swear to you, that's all he does. Bump here, scratch there. I don't think I was meant to raise boys. I am constantly in a state of disaster preparedness!
7. I love the fall weather but not the wind because ...
6. Last year it led to fires and evacuations and our two cars full of everything we own. And two weeks of ash clean-up in the backyard. And ash all around the inside of our house too. No fun. At least we were fortunate enough not to suffer property damage or loss.
5. I look 7 months pregnant even though I'm only 4 1/2.
4. I'm having bizarre dreams of the kind only pregnant women get.
3. A funny thought - somewhere about halfway through my pregnancies (like right about now) I get this terrible anxiety when I realize OHMYGOODNESS this baby will have to eventually come out of me! This is less scary now that the exit most commonly used has already been (ahem) used.
2. I'd still rather have a vaginal birth over c-section any day. Even though it's the weirdest experience ever and no one prepares you for the true weirdness of it. Maybe I'll post on that one of these days.
1. The baby just kicked me. I have really started to feel him movin' this week.

Have a good week yourself!

Huntin' for pumpkins at Bates Nut Farm

We hope we started a new family tradition this weekend of visiting Bates Nut Farm for pumpkin hunting before Halloween. The property is probably 25 acres, with a full general store (decorated for Halloween, Thanksgiving AND Christmas, can you imagine?) and the biggest sprawling pumpkin patch I've ever seen in my life. We ate bratwurst and tri-tip and kettle corn and then ran around and chased Nick for about 2 hours before we were too exhausted to go on. It was a fun day, even though it officially wore the pregnant lady out. Here are some of my favorite photos from the day.
We're actually thinking about going back one more time before Halloween! And then of course for their Christmas festival next month!

Vaccinations, AKA things that go bump (and scream and blister) in the night

Some of you know I am an advocate of alternative vaccination schedules. I am not anti-vaccination, but I do not accept the current immunization schedule as advanced by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which receives funding from the pharmaceutical companies who produce the vaccines they mandate. Two conditions would precipitate a change in the opinion I am expressing here, and would lead me to reconsider my stance against the current vaccination regimen:
1. If financial considerations and "kick-backs" were removed, and the AAP endorsed these vaccines solely for the greater good, with no incentive for gain, and
2. If research would be funded by the NIH to investigate the existing correlational data that has indeed established a link - albeit not a causal one - between receipt of the live MMR vaccine and onset of autism spectrum-related disorders. Currently, the NIH refuses to fund such studies. Senate Bill 843, the Combating Autism Act, has yet to produce any codified results, much to my lack of surprise.

I have kept Nick current on other immunizations, such as DTaP (Diptheria, Tetanus and Pertussis) and HIB (Haemophilus-B influenza). At his 18-month well visit two weeks ago, my doctor - who supports my decision to alter his schedule - talked me into a "two in one" shot of DTaP and HIB, which produced a serious reaction at the site (evidence of his immunity, but frightening nonetheless). His leg was swollen twice its size, red, hot to the touch, and he was fussy, even downright nightmarishly angry, for days. He never got a fever, thank goodness, because he's prone to febrile seizures. But those four days kept me and my parents on our toes. I called the doctor's office only to be reassured this is a "normal" reaction in someone his age who has had the required multiple rounds of these particular immunizations. I could report his reaction to the vaccine injury compensation program if I wanted to advance research on why certain children experience such symptoms while others don't.

How reassuring.

I will post more on this in the weeks to come as I hope to begin a dialogue on the subject and even plan to write an article - where it will be published, I don't know, but somewhere moms can access it - to encourage a conversation. My thesis? The decision to immunize your child needs to be a decision, not an automatic response to a physician's recommendation. Everyone in this equation, right down to your own pediatrician, has a vested interest in how many vaccinations your child receives. My doctor has to report to the AAP the proportion of his treatment population who are on an "alternative schedule" even though technically the only alteration we've made is to have Nicholas receive shots one at a time over many months and to avoid the MMR until age 4 when his immune system will be mature enough not to over-respond as we suspect happens in cases of vaccine-induced autism (where children are genetically predisposed to such a reaction). I am also hoping that by age 4, research will be completed that either finally establishes or negates a connection between the MMR vaccination and autism spectrum disorders.

I just want moms to know they have options and decisions to make. And moms who breastfeed, says my doctor, have more options because their children are gathering stronger immunity through breastmilk than those who are formula-fed and thus perform better on an alternative schedule.

Sweetness

I'm here ...

just dealing with way too many student issues right now. I'll get back to posting in a few days.

I'm 17 weeks pregnant! Our anatomy scan is next Friday. I'm excited to see good closeup 3D shots of the peanut.

Here's a photo of Nick, and one of me and my tummy, from last weekend. Doesn't he look very grown-up?
Hope you're having a great week! Oh, and p.s., expect a very long post on vaccination reactions soon. I'm about at my wit's end with Nick's reaction to his DTaP and HIB shots this week. What are they injecting into our kids? And why so many rounds? I have lots of thoughts and research to share on this very complicated subject when time allows.

Mother of boys - what it means

Shoes in the kitchen, jeans on the floor
Basketballs lying at the back door
Living room carpet shows signs of wear
The fridge and the cupboards are constantly bare.

The toilet seat's up, it's stuck that way
The sports on TV blare all day
Racetracks, footballs, all kinds of toys
How did you guess, I'm the mother of boys. - Author Unknown

I laid awake last night in bed, unable to sleep. That moment when you learn the sex of your child changes your life in an instant. The broad strokes of your future unfold before you and you begin, in a natural way I think, to imagine how your relationship with this little person and his relationship with others in your family will evolve.

I am the mother of boys, and that means certain things. On the not-so-bright side, it means I will be their favorite for a while, and then Dave will be their favorite for probably longer, and while perhaps it's that way with girls too, my boys will go on in life to identify more with their dad. It means I have lots of sports in my future, but no ballet classes. I will, I hope, see them become parents one day, but I won't be able to experience motherhood again with them, through them. On the very bright side, it means I have less hair to comb, serious hand-me-down clothes to pass around, and an intense amount of love to look forward to for a long time since Nick, at least, is the truest kind of mama's boy. It means I get to be mother-of-the groom once or twice, I hope, and maybe it means that I will see myself in future granddaughters I might have. What it doesn't mean, I have begun to tell myself, is that I'll for sure be lonely when I'm older. A woman at the park the other day told me she hopes I'm having a girl because "boys are in your life until they find a wife." I think if I do my job well, my boys will want to be in my life even then. I hope to love them so much and so well that they miss me even when another woman comes to "take my place."

These are my thoughts today as I sit with the final picture of what my family will look like. This beautiful boy I'm carrying is my last child, and I know he has come as a blessing in so many ways. I want to sit back now and enjoy the ride of carrying him (and make sure I have plenty of blue-themed scrapbook supplies for these remaining months!).

It's a BOY!

And no one is more surprised than me. But I always said if I could have my first choice, I'd clone Nick; I couldn't love him more than I do. And being mom to a son is a very special thing. Nick's buddy is on the way. Now we have to think about names ...

15 weeks and growing!

My vote is cast: I think I'm having a girl. I will be totally shocked this coming Thursday (when we are scheduled to find out) if it's a boy - not because I want a girl more than a boy, because I don't. What leads me to my conclusion is that everything about this pregnancy, right down to how I'm carrying this baby, is different. Last time, I carried low and didn't show until 18-20 weeks. Now I'm carrying high and already look like I did at 18-20 weeks (and I was thinner to begin with this time!). My cravings? Less severe. The nausea? MUCH worse.

We shall see if I'm right.

Here's a photo from today that Dave took. Of course he took about 20 pictures and my favorite one is the pose where the lighting is worst. He's still learning to use the Rebel. I'm scrapbooking this pregnancy and already have 5 pages full of photos of me and my tummy and the baby's first sets of ultrasound images. I am excited to be going to Babies First Ultrasound this week; they guarantee they can tell the sex at 15 weeks or else you can come back the next week for free. We went with Nick at around the same time and they were spot on. Plus the images were amazing. He was already sucking his thumb.

Here's another photo from today of me with my Little Man. He's photogenic, that one. Must be all the practice ...

Have a good Sunday!

Photo of the week

Look who learned how to climb up on the chair and sit by himself ... much to mama's chagrin.

Funny

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are having auditory hallucinations, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed hang up; it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. The good news: You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons because you'll just mess it up.

Fage: My new favorite thing

I'll admit it: I'm a yogurt snob. The thicker and more Greek-style I can find, the better. However, Greek yogurt tends to be very high in fat. It's almost like concentrated yogurt if you haven't tried it - very thick, very rich, somewhat tart. A friend turned me on to Fage because it's lowfat Greek yogurt with the same consistency as other, higher fat brands. The only problem is that it comes unflavored at my Henry's and Trader Joes and has no sweetness to mellow the taste. I solved this problem today by adding 2 teaspoons of all natural raspberry preserves (Bonne Maman, to be specific) and stirring well. The result? Heaven at only about 160 calories a container and 4 grams of fat (compare to 360 cals and 17 grams of fat in my former fave brand). You must try it. Stir in your fave preserves and let me know what you think!

So in love

My heart is full of love these days, for the one who's already here and the one whose arrival I await. I look at Nick in complete awe and ask myself often how it's possible that I made him, and reflect on how God gave me a child more beautiful, sweet, and gentle than I ever imagined. This photo I took yesterday really captures the essence of his spirit. Then yesterday I had my first trimester screen for Baby #2 and got the first real glimpse of him or her (the tech said she bets it's a girl ... won't know for sure for a few more weeks). And there my next child was, moving and kicking and sucking its thumb. Love all over again. Love bigger than I imagined possible. It's amazing how the experience of motherhood fills your heart. I feel very blessed today.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Susie added me to a Facebook group called Ten on Tuesday, so now the pressure's on :0).
2. This is my 13th week of pregnancy, and I'm feelin' it.
3. I bought my first new piece of maternity clothing yesterday after looking through all my other stuff from my pregnancy with Nick and not being able to wear any of it yet because it's all too big. Now that was a nice surprise given that I feel huge!
4. I really like my students and my classes this semester, which is a big deal because when I don't enjoy my classes the semester goes by very s-l-o-w-l-y.
5. Dave told me yesterday that he wishes I were more ambitious, like I was when we got married and had my sights firmly set on a college presidency (which I still do ... just not in the predictable future). I wanted to react to that comment, but I took a deep breath and just realized that to a man working a full-time job (even if I cram it all into 3 days a week), raising a toddler, running a household, and being pregnant may not seem like a lot and that ambition from his perspective means climbing the corporate ladder, which I'm still doing but at an admittedly snail-like pace. Reminds me of that book title "Men are from Mars and women are from some better planet."
6. So I am feeling like an underachiever today, even though my house is clean, my toddler is smart and healthy, my job is under control, my courses are planned all the way through the semester's end, and all the laundry is clean.
7. I just made coffee and it smells so good!
8. I caught up with my friend Bridget (Peach) Bartels yesterday and it was like no time had passed at all since we last talked. I love lifelong friendships.
9. Nick and I are joining Malu and Ben for music class this morning.
10. So I have to go ... have a good week!

12 weeks .. and my first day back to school

While I see my baby bump already, it's kind of hiding in this picture. Maybe that's a good thing :0).

End of my first trimester!

I'm posting a few new things here since school starts this week and I'm sure I won't be back online before next weekend. So much to do. At least my syllabi and are all done and copied. ~Phew~

This week marks the end of my first trimester - 12 long weeks - and I'm still very nauseous. I thought that would have ended by now. With Nick any hint of nausea was gone by week 10. Last week we heard this baby's heartbeat for the first time, 165 beats per minute compared to Nick's 145 beats per minute. Could all of this taken together mean I'm carrying a girl? I'll know in 4 weeks for sure.

Hard to believe that my baby is looking so big now and is fully formed. Now he or she just needs to grow. Thanks for being part of our journey!

What you need vs. what you want

Could you resist these?
I couldn't.

We ended up at Williams Sonoma innocently enough, in search of a new toaster oven. We left with a "filled-pancake pan", batter mix, and pecan pumpkin butter to fill them with. I can almost hear my sister cackling as she reads this since she manages a WS store and talks all the time about people like me who can't resist the food samples and end up buying all the acoutrement because they have no will power. In my defense, the saleswoman appealed to my 17 month-old son who gobbled that pumpkin-filled pancake before I could even say, "Thanks, sure we'll try one."

Touchdown, USC!

USC crushed Virginia today in case you didn't catch the game, and we got to see all the action on our new LCD tv, which was FUN! Here's Nick doing his "TOUCHDOWN" move we taught him. We scored so many touchdowns today that he basically left his arms up for most of the game :0).

Posturing - a necessary political vice?

I really don't like politics. No matter how good and moral a candidate for the presidency may be, there's always a bit of truth-stretching, ethic-bending, and bait-and-switching inherent in "the process." I actually like John McCain. He's gone a bit far to the right in recent years in order to secure his party's nomination; but he has deserved major respect for his life's work, not only in service to our country but the personal trauma he endured as a prisoner of war. He has much more experience than Obama. But I do believe his policies are inconsistent with the change this country must, must undergo in order to have a shot at continued world leadership. I worry for Nick's future. George Bush has made a mess that frankly no one man on his own can ever clean up.

I also really like Hillary Clinton and thought she fought a good fight. If McCain had chosen her as a running mate, or Condoleeza Rice, I would have felt like he selected a running mate first, and a woman second. But to choose Sarah Palin, whom he met only once before choosing her and asking her to take on The Job, screams sexism. It screams tokenism. It screams desperation. He wanted a pro-life woman with state leadership experience. Okay. Was she the only one he could find? Adding a woman to the ticket just for the sake of doing so, for the remote possibility of luring Hillary voters to his side by counting on their stupidity, is to be honest the most offensive move I've seen any politician make in my lifetime.

For Obama-Biden supporters, there are of course some perks to the McCain-Palin ticket. It undercuts any potential arguments the McCain camp or anyone else may make at the Republican Convention about Obama's lack of experience. As one reporter suggested today, Palin makes Obama look like John Adams. More to the point, McCain is no spring chicken, and Palin is in no position to run this country.

I'm sorry, John McCain. You've had my unyielding respect until today. Now I feel like you're counting on the entire population of moderate and right-leaning women to be narrow-minded, as well as short-sighted, and vote for you just because you've got a woman on your ticket. We're a lot smarter than you give us credit for, "my friend." And if there was even a slight chance you would have had my vote before, well, count me out for good. I bet I'm not the only one!

**Note to the reader: I'm someone who fits into a tax bracket that would be rewarded by a McCain win, and will be additionally taxed by an Obama win. In case my interests in working against McCain might seem self-serving, I am willing to pay more taxes to avoid other ramifications of his administration especially in light of recent developments.

Five on Friday

1. Nick had terrible gas last night and screamed for a few hours so he and I are both exhausted today. Not a good combination - tired and very fussy baby, tired and very pregnant and hormonal mama. I think we will eat comfort food and watch Little Einsteins together until naptime.
2. Yesterday was our genetic counseling appointment for Baby #2 and I'm starting to think there is such a thing as too much information (says the professor who always says more info is better). I left there feeling worried and thought back to my pregnancy with Nick when I didn't do all these early tests, so I worried less. Ignorance is bliss. On the flip side I'll know sooner and more definitively this time that the new baby is healthy.
3. People are very judgmental about the fact that we co-sleep with Nick - way more judgmental than I would have ever expected - and most of the judgment comes from other moms who are constantly saying to me, "Well of course you're going to put him in his crib now and let him work it out before the next baby arrives, RIGHT?" I trust my own judgment as a mother to make decisions about what's right for me and my baby. And I try to let others do the same.
4. I'm craving homemade grilled cheese sandwiches, food from Chili's, and fruit. It's a weird combination. So my house is stocked with bread, cheese, and berries.
5. I keep having dreams where people bring me pictures of myself when I was thinner, and tell me how pretty I used to be before I had kids. I think I need a little dose of self-esteem this week. I'm in that phase of pregnancy where you just look chunky. No one would know I'm pregnant, but they'd think I have eaten one too many hamburgers. I don't want to wish the rest of these first months away, but there is an up-side to "showing". I need one of those t-shirts that says, "I'm not fat - I'm pregnant."

Here's to the weekend, a shot of feel good vibes, and an extra nap or two thrown in for good measure!

Photography dream come true!

Last week Dave bought me the best gift anyone could have given me: A Canon SLR Digital Rebel. The move from point-and-shoot to SLR is huge, and for me it has opened up a whole new photography world! I am trying to learn all I can about my new camera, and am already finding that I'm taking better pictures than ever before. Now I am guaranteed not to miss any shots of Nick in action or amazing close-ups of my new baby.

Stay tuned for new and better photos!

Wanna hear him talk?

Nick's "talking" has really progressed this week. Here's a short clip of him jibber-jabbering from earlier today. His Uncle Jeff says it sounds like "yabba dabba do." Soon enough he'll be making sense and then I will miss these babbling days.